CRAZY-MAKERS:
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
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BLAMING EXAMPLES
Blaming. The
skilled passive-aggressive blamer can rephrase almost
any comment to make it appear the recipient's fault.
"You should have known!" or "You're too sensitive!" are
common methods of blaming the victim. Sometimes it can
be so extreme as to border on the ridiculous if it
wasn't so hurtful; for example, "You know I'm a grouch
before dinner. I wouldn't have yelled at you if you
wouldn't have asked me a question." This person deflects
all attempts to communicate about problems by blaming
the other person.
The husband who deflects issues by
counter-attacking:
Wife: I'm concerned about how much your
spending on your fishing trips. Can we talk about
this?
Husband: You're really one to talk! Look at
the credit card records and see how much you spent at
the department stores.
Wife: If you are concerned about that we can
discuss it, but right now I'd like to talk about these
expenses for your fishing trips.
Husband: All you ever do is nag me about how much
I spend! If you didn't nag me all the time I
wouldn't be out fishing so much!
Wife: I'm not nagging you! I'm trying to
discuss something that worries me!
Husband: See! You are always worrying about
every little thing.
Wife: I don't think the things I worry about are
"little."
As you see in this example, even though the wife is
trying to reasonably focus on a concern, the husband
continues to blame her and to deflect the issue away
from his spending and onto his wife. He has
successfully shifted the argument so that the wife is
defending herself at which point he has "won" because he
no longer has to discuss his spending behavior.
Copyright © 2010 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com. Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
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