CRAZY-MAKERS:
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
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CONTROLLING EXAMPLES
Controlling. This behavior seeks
to control the individual in an indirect manner. For
instance, a man who emotionally abuses his partner says
"No one could ever love you the way I do" with the
intended result being insecurity in the woman so that
she won't leave him. Another example is parents telling
their adult children that they should respect or love
them because they are their parents thus trying to
control their behavior. Love and respect is something
that occurs due to the underlying relationship not
because of a demand.
An adolescent trying to control a parent's
emotional responses:
Mother: Hurry up. We're going
to be late for school.
Daughter ignores the demand and obviously slows down her
movements.
Mother: Stop trying to irritate me! We need
to leave soon.
Daughter: I'm not doing anything.
Mother: I can see you slowing down when I tell you
to hurry.
Daughter: You're imagining that. All you
want to do is yell at me.
Mother: I've had it with you! You are such a
brat!
Daughter (crying now): See, all you do is yell at
me and call me names!
In this scenario the daughter is in control and has
caused her mother to lose control. Instead of
trying to control the daughter (which ultimately allows
the daughter control over her) she should determine
natural or logical consequences for the behavior and
allow the daughter to have to deal with the
consequences. For instance, some schools give
detentions if a child is late for class in which case
the mother doesn't need to do anything. In fact,
it's best in the case of the natural consequences to
just ignore the child's passive-aggressive behavior
(slowing down) and just let the consequences occur with
no comment. Not even "I told you."
Copyright © 2010 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com. Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
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