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Popular Articles

Crazy-Makers: Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People

Why Are People Mean? Don't Take It Personally!

When You Have Been Betrayed

Struggling to Forgive: An Inability to Grieve

Happy Habits: 50 Suggestions

The Secret of Happiness: Let It Find You (But Make the Effort)

Excellence vs. Perfection

Depression is Not Sadness

20 Steps to Better Self-Esteem

7 Rules and 8 Methods for Responding to Passive-aggressive People

What to Do When Your Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage

Happiness is An Attitude

Guide to How to Set Achieveable Goals

Catastrophe? Or Inconvenience?

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Relaxation for Children

Loving Kindness Meditation

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Lies You Were Told

Choosing Happiness

Audio Version of Article: Crazy-Makers: Passive-Aggressive People

Audio Version of Article: Why Are People Mean? Don't Take It Personally!

Audio Version of Article: Happiness Is An Attitude

All Audio Articles

Crazy-Makers: Dealing With Passive-Aggressive People
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.

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CONTROLLING EXAMPLES

Controlling. This behavior seeks to control the individual in an indirect manner. For instance, a man who emotionally abuses his partner says "No one could ever love you the way I do" with the intended result being insecurity in the woman so that she won't leave him. Another example is parents telling their adult children that they should respect or love them because they are their parents thus trying to control their behavior. Love and respect is something that occurs due to the underlying relationship not because of a demand.

An adolescent trying to control a parent's emotional responses:

Mother: Hurry up. We're going to be late for school.

Daughter ignores the demand and obviously slows down her movements.

Mother: Stop trying to irritate me! We need to leave soon.

Daughter: I'm not doing anything.

Mother: I can see you slowing down when I tell you to hurry.

Daughter: You're imagining that. All you want to do is yell at me.

Mother: I've had it with you! You are such a brat!

Daughter (crying now): See, all you do is yell at me and call me names!

In this scenario the daughter is in control and has caused her mother to lose control. Instead of trying to control the daughter (which ultimately allows the daughter control over her) she should determine natural or logical consequences for the behavior and allow the daughter to have to deal with the consequences. For instance, some schools give detentions if a child is late for class in which case the mother doesn't need to do anything. In fact, it's best in the case of the natural consequences to just ignore the child's passive-aggressive behavior (slowing down) and just let the consequences occur with no comment. Not even "I told you."