RETURN TO MAIN ARTICLE
GUILTING EXAMPLES
Guilting. This behavior controls
through using guilt either directly or indirectly to
control the other. An indirect form of guilt may be
"Don't worry about me...I'll be okay" followed by a
sigh. A more direct form may be describing all the
efforts made on your behalf followed by an expectation
"I've only cleaned the house today, taken the kids to
their activities, checked on your mom. Taking me out to
dinner isn't too much to ask, is it?"
Father of adult child wanting him to visit
his mother more:
Father: Your mother wouldn't say
anything herself but I think she feels like you don't
care about her.
Son: But, Dad, I call Mom everyday to see how
she's doing.
Father: I know, but she's just so lonely and it
means so much to her when you visit.
Son: I don't have a lot of time lately.
Father: Well I'm not sure how much time your
mother has left.
You can certainly see how the son can't win this one.
With guilt-inducing passive-aggressive behavior it is
more important to address the underlying cognitions or
"shoulds" about the behavior. You can only be made
to feel guilty if you believe that you "should" engage
in the behavior. In this example, if the son
believes he is neglectful if he doesn't visit more
often, then he is more likely to be controlled by these
comments. However, if he believes that he is doing
the best he can do given the circumstances of his life,
then he is not likely to feel guilty and can respond
with the broken-record technique:
Father: Your mother wouldn't say anything herself
but I think she feels like you don't care about her.
Son: I'm doing the best I can.
Father: I know, but she's just so lonely and it
means so much to her when you visit.
Son: I'm doing the best I can.
Father: Well I'm not sure how much time your
mother has left.
Son: I'm doing the best I can.
Copyright © 2010 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com. Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
RECOMMENDED BOOKS...
