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Crazy-Makers: Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People

Why Are People Mean? Don't Take It Personally!

When You Have Been Betrayed

Struggling to Forgive: An Inability to Grieve

Happy Habits: 50 Suggestions

The Secret of Happiness: Let It Find You (But Make the Effort)

Excellence vs. Perfection

Depression is Not Sadness

Conflict in the Workplace

Motivation: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic

20 Steps to Better Self-Esteem

7 Rules and 8 Methods for Responding to Passive-aggressive People

Promoting Healthy Behavior Change

10 Common Errors in CBT

What to Do When Your Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage

Rejection Sensitivity, Irrational Jealousy and Impact on Relationships

For Women Only: How to Have the Relationship of Your Dreams

What to Do When Your Partner's Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Relationship

Making Attributions for a Healthier Attitude

Happiness is An Attitude

Thinking Your Way to a Healthy Weight

Guide to How to Set Achieveable Goals

The Effectiveness of Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment for Anxiety Disorders

Co-Dependency: An Issue of Control

The Pillars of the Self-Concept: Self-Esteem and Self-Efficacy

Catastrophe? Or Inconvenience?


Panic Assistance

Motivational Audios

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Rational Thinking

Relaxation for Children

Change Yourself--Don't Wait for the World to Change

Loving Kindness Meditation

Self-Esteem Exercise

Meadow Relaxation

Rainy Autumn Morning

Energizing Audios

Quick Stress Relief

Thinking Your Way to a Healthy Weight

Lies You Were Told

Choosing Happiness

Lotus Flower Relaxation

Audio Version of Article: Crazy-Makers: Passive-Aggressive People

Audio Version of Article: Why Are People Mean? Don't Take It Personally!

Audio Version of Article: Happiness Is An Attitude

All Audio Articles

Kindle Books by Dr. Monica Frank


Why You Get Anxious When You Don't Want To

Why People Feel Grief at the Loss of an Abusive Spouse or Parent

“Are You Depressed?”: Understanding Diagnosis and Treatment

15 Coping Statements for Panic and Anxiety

Beyond Tolerating Emotions: Becoming Comfortable with Discomfort

Emotion Training: What is it and How Does it Work?

How You Can Be More Resistant to Workplace Bullying

Are You Passive Aggressive and Want to Change?

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The Porcupine Effect: Pushing Others Away When You Want to Connect

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When Needs Come Into Conflict

What to Do When Anger Hurts Those You Love

A Brief Primer On the Biology of Stress and How CBT Can Help

50 Tools for Panic and Anxiety

Coping With Change: Psychological Flexibility

Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Ending a Bad Relationship

I'm Depressed. I'm Overwhelmed. Where Do I Start?


Building Blocks Emotion Training

Hot Springs Relaxation

5 Methods to Managing Anger

Panic Assistance While Driving

Autogenic Relaxation Training

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Mindfulness Training

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PsychNotes April 2016

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April 5, 2016       

When to Forgive Yourself: Self-forgiveness and Responsibility

by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
Self-forgiveness has been shown to contribute to physical health and mental well-being (Davis, et al., 2015). In other words, forgiving yourself is vital to your health. Yet, many people have trouble letting go of mistakes and transgressions they have made.

On the other hand, as with many psychological concepts and research, what is psychologically healthy can vary depending on the situation. For instance, self-forgiveness may be psychologically harmful for addicts and narcissists who forgive themselves too easily. In such cases self-forgiveness is used as a form of denial which prevents a person from resolving the problem and making necessary changes. Instead, they may need to take more responsibility for the problem by acknowledging it more thoroughly.

Self-forgiveness also may not be psychologically healthy if you have not actually committed an offense. Some people, especially those with depression or anxiety, obsess about perceived misdeeds that others wouldn't even give a second thought to. If that is the case, you don't want to forgive yourself because it implies you have done something wrong which reinforces that type of thinking. Instead, you want to focus on changing the thinking itself. For instance, once, when I was worried about having called someone the wrong name, I said to myself, “If he's still thinking about it as long as I am, then he has a bigger problem than me. Let it go.” So, consider, was there a transgression? Would anyone else consider that you did something wrong?

When you have done something wrong, the process of self-forgiveness may take the same steps as grief because when we make mistakes or hurt others, even unintentionally, we experience an emotional loss. That loss may be the impact to our self-concept or it could be the damage to a relationship. But since we experience loss, to achieve self-forgiveness we may need to work through the stages of grief:

1) Acknowledge. Recognize what you did and take responsibility for it. Acknowledging does not mean berating yourself for it but accepting the fact of what you did.

2) Accept emotions. By taking responsibility you may feel some anger, shame, or guilt. These feelings can be healthy emotions giving you direction and helping you to determine what you need to do to make changes or amends. However, do not dwell on the emotions themselves but use them for the information provided.

3) Regret. Even once you have corrected the problem, you may still feel some remorse about the situation. At this point you may need to remind yourself of what you have done to resolve the problem rather than dwell on the mistake itself: Did you own the mistake or transgression? Did you learn from it? If possible, did you make amends?

4) Acceptance. Self-forgiveness isn't just about feeling better. It is about taking responsibility. But then letting it go. Once you have apologized, corrected your mistake, and/or made amends, you need to recognize you are an imperfect human being and that is okay. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we cause distress or harm to someone else. However, if we take responsibility for the mistake or transgression and try to correct the problem then we need to forgive ourselves. Don't hold on to the regret, guilt, or shame.

Davis, D.E., Ho, M.Y., Griffin, B.J., Bell, C., Hook, J.N., Van Tongeren, D.R., DeBlaere, C., Worthington, E.L. and Westbrook, C.J. (2015). Forgiving the Self and Physical and Mental Health Correlates: A Meta-Analytic Review. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62, 329 –335. DOI: 10.1037/cou0000063


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