"Individuals who are
rejection-sensitive are more likely to perceive
rejection in situations others may
not interpret as rejection."
REJECTION SENSITIVITY, IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY, AND IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIPS (page
1)
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
As a child Cynthia's hyperactive behavior often annoyed others. Her teachers
frequently reprimanded her in school. The other students called her "stupid"
and refused to let her join them in activities. At home, her father criticized
her and beat her with a belt whenever her parents received a negative report from school.
Due to depression, her mother tended to ignore Cynthia's needs for emotional support
and attention. As a result, she grew up expecting rejection from others. It seemed
that no matter how hard she tried, all she experienced was rejection.
As an adult she had numerous unsuccessful relationships. She desperately wanted the acceptance
to be found in a relationship; however, she perceived her partner's behavior negatively often
thinking about how he wasn't as committed to the relationship and that she was just good enough
until someone else came along. These thoughts led to hostility toward him and accusations "You
don't care about me!" Due to her focus on her worries about losing him she did not focus on his
needs and provide him with emotional support. Her partner tried to reassure her and comfort her
at first but the constant negativity and hostility drained his ability to respond to her needs.
Jake was physically abused as a child; for seemingly no reason to Jake his alcoholic father became
enraged and beat him leaving bruises and welts. These beatings included screaming at Jake about how
worthless he was and that no one could possibly ever want him or love him. His mother was rejecting
in a more subtle way by tending to blame him for his father's behavior "If you just wouldn't set him
off, he wouldn't hurt you."
When Jake developed an intimate relationship as an adult, he perceived his wife's behavior as indicating
she was cheating on him. He examined her phone records and questioned her endlessly about calls she made.
He didn't allow her to go out socially unless he was present and even then he questioned her about her
interest in other men if she talked to someone. His wife could not convince him she was not having an affair.
Eventually, his irrational jealousy led to slapping her when she denied his accusations.
What do these two people have in common? They developed rejection sensitivity due to childhood experiences
which led to irrational thinking and behavior about their adult relationships. This thinking and behavior
often reinforced itself by creating situations in which they were more likely to be rejected.
PAGE 2
Intro to
Rejection Sensitivity.--page 1
What is Rejection
Sensitivity? and What is Irrational Jealousy?--page 2
How is Rejection Sensititivity Related to
Childhood Abuse or Rejection?--page 3
How are Rejection Sensitivity, Self-Esteem and Social
Anxiety Related?--page 4
How does Expectation of Rejection Affect Perception of
Rejection?--page 5
How does Rejection Sensitivity Impact an Intimate
Relationship?--page 6
How is Rejection Sensitivity Self-Perpetuating?--page 7
How is Rejection Sensitivity Changed?--page 8
Copyright © 2009
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
"To be betrayed, the person must
first experience trust in the betrayer...
...when they do hurt us, we then have the awareness
that this other person has the capacity to hurt us."
WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED (page 1)
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
WHAT IS BETRAYAL?
Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person
can experience. To be betrayed,
the person must first experience trust in the betrayer.
It is fairly impossible for you to be
betrayed if you did not trust the individual in the
first place. Therefore,the definition of betrayal
involves the act of someone violating your trust in
them. The betrayal I am discussing in this
article refers to a variety of forms of betrayal. For
instance, a child isbetrayed when he or she
is abused by the parents who are supposed to love,
support, and protect the child. A spouse is
betrayed when their partner has an affair. Betrayal is
when someone you trust lies to you,
cheats on you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their
own self-interest first.
Betrayal as Loss. Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person
can experience. Notice that I am using
the term "loss" to describe the consequences of
betrayal. In our society, we have trouble
understanding the concepts of loss and grief. We
understand that when someone dies we
experience loss and grief, but frequently we don't
recognize the other forms of loss that we may
experience in life. Loss can be losing a person through
death. However, it can also be losing
a part of that person such as through illness. When a
spouse develops Alzheimer's, for instance,
the healthy spouse may experience loss of companionship
or loss of emotional support.
Loss can also involve things that are less tangible such
as trust. When an individual is betrayed by
someone, they lose trust in that person. In trusting
another person, we believe that they won't
hurt us; when they do hurt us, we then have the
awareness that this other person has the
capacity to hurt us. Therefore, we have lost something
very important to the relationship.
Purposeful Aspect of Betrayal. The reason that betrayal is the most devastating kind
loss is because most often it is often a loss that didn't
have to occur. It only occurs because of someone's
deliberately hurtful behavior, or their
carelessness, or their own personal weakness. Unlike a
loss such as death or illness, there is
usually some sort of choice involved. The person who was
betrayed believes that the choice
was wrong and preventable.
Loss of the Illusion. Even more confusing, however, is that sometimes loss can
be the loss of an illusion. Frequently,
we develop in our minds the way we think things "should"
be. However, reality doesn't always correspond with the
demands that we put on life, ourselves,
and others. Therefore, sometimes we are hurt when we
have to face this reality. For instance,
imagine children who grow up in the fortunate experience
of having parents who always put the
needs of their children first. But what they don't know
is that their parents are unhappy together.
Those children become young adults and are confronted
with their parents telling them that they
are getting a divorce. Frequently, those children feel
betrayed by the illusion of the happy family
they always thought they had. Suddenly they are
confronted with a hurtful reality.
Another example is that a man marries a woman and thinks
of her as a virtuous, moral person. Later he
finds out that she had numerous sexual encounters prior
to their relationship. He has lost his
concept of how he thought of his wife. He feels betrayed
even though she didn't do anything to
break her committed to him; his sense of betrayal is the
loss of the illusion of how he thought of
his wife.
However, even if the betrayal is the loss of the
illusion, the grief is very real and needs
to be dealt with. Sometimes this is hard to do because
the person is told and believes that they
shouldn't feel so strongly about something that was not
an actual betrayal of them. So with this
type of loss a person is often tempted to move on too
quickly without resolving it.
PAGE 2
What is Betrayal?--page 1
What is the Process of Grief?--page
2
What Should You Expect With
Grief When Betrayed?--page 3
When Should You Forgive a Betrayal?--page
4
Copyright © 2004 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com. Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
