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Question: I believe that my 41-year old step-son is being passive aggressive in refusing to visit us, alone or with his wife and two children. He knows that his mother had an affair (to whom she is now married) then divorced his father. I met his father a few years later, eventually moved in with him and his then 25-year old son, and we married two years later. His son deeply resented this as he thought he and his girl-friend would live with his father until he eventually inherited the property. He had resented other females with whom his father had had relationships after his divorce so it's not that he just didn't like me, he just didn't want his father to re-marry.
My step-son doesn't openly refuse to visit us but gives inane excuses why he can't (such as my car is broken, I'm too busy, etc.) that insult our intelligence. My husband won't challenge him as he's his only child because my husband's daughter died tragically, aged 11, many years ago. He has visited us three times in the last 4 years, the first time coming to our new house out of curiosity but he refused to come to the house on the two subsequent visits and insisted we meet for lunch at a local restaurant at our expense. My step-son and his family did come to my husband's 70th birthday party 6 months ago but only, I feel, as he knew the rest of the family would be here and he didn't want to look bad in front of them by not attending.
My step-son doesn't invite me or his father to visit them. If my husband asks when he can visit, his son tells him he's welcome any time and won't set a date but he lives 90 miles away so we can hardly call to see them. This behaviour has become worse over the last 10 years but when asked what is the problem my step-son expresses surprise and says there's nothing wrong with them, the problem must lie with us. He and his wife often see her family and his mother and her new husband.
If he were my son I would challenge him openly and ask for an explanation but my husband is reluctant to do this for fear of making the situation worse. I can no longer take the inane excuses for not visiting so it's inevitable that I will challenge my step-son on this soon. My husband loves children but, sadly, doesn't see his grand-children very often. I'm not allowed to consider them to be my grand-children, this is made very clear by my step-son and his wife referring to me by my first name when they mention me to the children in my presence. It's designed to be hurtful and it is hurtful but nothing we do changes the situation leading me to think that it is passive-aggressive behaviour on my step-son's part.
Response: The first issue here is whether the step-son's behavior is passive-aggressive (PA) or not. The second issue is what the step-mother can do about it.Copyright © 2015 by Excel At Life, LLC.
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