An internet reader, "Mike," wrote about a jealousy situation that he has begun to recognize but that has already caused extensive damage to his relationship: "Now, my spouse is hiding everything and refuses to discuss the topic. My gut feeling is that my spouse is out to get revenge, lying and is maybe now really cheating." He indicates that his wife has informed him she has the right to hide the cell phone bills, change e-mail passwords, and erase internet history because of his past behavior. He states,"I tried to explain what is causing my jealousy, yet I feel I'm not being heard or understood. Now, I feel like the one being "abused" because my spouse acts hostile to me and defensive whenever this subject...is brought up."

Frequently, I see this scenario all too often in my practice. By the time the jealous spouse recognizes his/her problem considerable damage to the relationship has already occurred. Attempts to change mean not only resolving the jealousy problems but also healing the relationship.

To understand the damage to the relationship, try taking the other person's perspective: Imagine day after day being questioned about your whereabouts, your behavior, and accused of being unfaithful or being attracted to someone else. Imagine someone checking your cell phone records, checking your e-mail, and/or calling you frequently under the pretense of something else but really just wanting to know what you're doing. Imagine your helplessness because no matter how much you reassure your spouse, no matter how many questions you answer, no matter how open you are with your daily itinerary or your e-mail, you can never "prove" your love or faithfulness. Imagine waiting for the next accusation, the next argument, knowing that it will occur but not knowing when. For some, imagine being fearful of physical violence because you can't reassure your spouse enough. Imagine the hopelessness, the hurt, and the pain beginning to turn to anger and resentment. Imagine what this does to love.

Mike asked a number of thoughtful questions that we will address in this article: PAGE 2

Jealousy: When the Damage is Done--page 1

Did My Jealousy Become a Reality or is it Still My Insecurities?--page 2

How Will I Know the Difference Between Jealousy and Infidelity at This Point?--page 3

What Do I Do Now?--page 4

I had had some good questions on my website regarding handling a partner's irrational jealousy. The reason I wrote the article What to Do When Your Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage for the individual with the problem jealousy is because until that person decides to make changes nothing can be done to eliminate their jealousy. That article has been very popular and many people have indicated to me that they are trying to change their behavior after reading it. However, there are many other people who are not recognizing their jealous behavior and so their partners are writing to me asking what to do.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK TO STOP THE IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?

Just because the person with the jealousy problem is the only one who can change it doesn't mean that there is nothing that you, as the partner, can do about your partner's jealousy. However, the steps you can take may be very challenging and don't come without risk. If you truly want a chance for your partner to change, the best place to start is with yourself. By changing how you respond to your partner's jealousy you will develop a greater understanding of how difficult it is to make changes. This increases your empathy for your partner especially if he/she is trying to make changes. However, it may also make you less tolerant of someone refusing to recognize their problem or do anything about it. This could be a healthy thing for you because you are less likely to remain in a destructive relationship.

Usually jealousy is a problem for the non-jealous partner when the behavior gets out of control. The jealous individual may engage in excessive questioning, make accusations, seek excessive reassurance, and may even control their partner's activities. Of course, no matter how much reassurance is given, faithfulness can never be proven, only disproved. So the jealous person's behavior continues and tends to escalate. The first thing that the recipient of this behavior needs to recognize is that the behavior is controlling and abusive. However, sometimes the recipient of the jealous behavior believes that it just shows that his/her partner is deeply in love. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of insecurity. Love is not controlling. When we love someone we allow them to grow independently of us because by doing so they are with us by choice, not by demand.

The main risk of trying to do something about your partner's jealousy is that you may have to risk the relationship itself. Before you go any further, you must ask yourself, "Why am I willing to take this kind of abuse? Do I deserve to be treated this way?" Just as the person who is jealous has a problem with self-esteem, if you are willing to tolerate this type of relationship, it indicates that you have a problem with self-esteem. Another question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I willing to risk everything in order to try and improve my relationship?" The answer to this question needs to be "Yes." If it is not, there is no need to read any further.  PAGE 2