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WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR JEALOUSY
THREATENS TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
Step 3.
Stop Jealous Self-Talk
Refuse to engage in the jealous self-talk.
If you worked through the above exercise
involving identifying the irrational self-talk about the jealousy, you have
probably identified some statements that occur frequently. Sometimes there
may not be a clear statement, but instead, you may have images.
Frequently, jealous people will have images of their loved one with another
person. Images are often more powerful than the thoughts and can easily
occur with great frequency.
Once you have identified the jealous self-talk
or the jealous images, it is important to reduce the frequency of these
thoughts. The more you allow these thoughts or images, the more you
reinforce your belief in them and they appear more real to you. Images are
especially powerful in this regard. So, for many people it is not enough
to just identify the irrational thoughts and challenge their accuracy, it is
also crucial to work on stopping the irrational thoughts and images.
The techniques that help do this are called
"thought-stopping techniques" and they can take a variety of forms. You
might try several different ones to determine what works best for you or you
might develop one that works according to your best reinforcement style.
For instance, a person who is strongly visual and is being distressed by images
causing jealousy, may try to picture a stop sign or a big "X" whenever the
images occur. This procedure can even be reinforced initially by using an
actual picture of a stop sign that you look at whenever you have the images.
In addition, you could practice the
thought-stopping by spending 20 minutes a day deliberately creating the images
in your mind and then immediately stopping them by looking at the stop sign and
visualizing it. So in a single practice session you could create the image
a hundred times and stop it with the visual stop sign. The purpose of this
exercise is that when the image should occur unexpectedly, you will be more
prepared for it.
Another technique is to firmly tell yourself
"Stop!" whenever a jealous thought occurs. Again, you could do similar
practice sessions of deliberately creating the thought and telling yourself
"Stop!" immediately afterward. If the "Stop!" isn't enough to disrupt the
thought process, you may try saying it aloud during your practice sessions or
pair it with a loud obnoxious noise like a whistle. The pairing will allow
you to disrupt the thought so that eventually just thinking "Stop!" will be
enough.
Another technique is the rubber band technique
which involves wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it whenever you
have a jealous thought or image. All of these techniques are considered
aversive conditioning techniques and the rubber band technique is the most
aversive since it involves a mild pain stimulus. The purpose of aversive
conditioning techniques is to teach your brain that is not okay to engage in the
jealous thinking or images. Therefore, you are preventing your brain from
traveling down that automatic pathway of jealous thoughts and images. You
are creating a choice for yourself.
Copyright © 2009 by
www.excelatlife.com. Permission
to reprint this article is granted if it includes this entire copyright and link.
Thoughts and Feelings has an excellent
section
on thought-stopping techniques as well as other
cognitive
techniques to change emotional responses.
Thoughts & Feelings:
Taking Control of Your Moods
and Your Life
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"If you truly want a chance for your partner to
change, the best place to start is with yourself. "
"...the way we make attributions about behavior
affects relationships and self-esteem."
Recommended
Books
Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures
By
Ayala Mal Pines
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques
for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your
Self-Esteem
By Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
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