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WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR JEALOUSY
THREATENS TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
Step 1.
Stop jealous behaviors.
Make an effort to no longer engage in the
self-defeating behavior.
Changing emotions or how you feel about yourself
is a difficult task that takes time. You need to learn to identify the
problem areas and then challenge them over an extended period of time to see
change. However, what you need to consider is that the most destructive
thing to your relationship is your jealous behaviors. These can be
addressed immediately even if you haven't changed the underlying causes of the
jealousy.
Therefore, the first step is to identify the
jealous behaviors. Make a list of the behaviors in which you engage that
create problems in your relationship. If possible, talk to your
significant other and find out what bothers him or her. Some behaviors to
consider are:
1) Do you question your spouse in detail
about his or her day looking for discrepancies? Even if you think you are
being clever in how you phrase your questions, your spouse will catch on to what
you are doing and it will be an irritant.
2) Do you accuse him or her of paying too
much attention to someone else or of looking at some attractive person?
3) Do you question him or her in detail
about past relationships? Sometimes people do this under the guise of full
disclosure or honesty but it will be clear to your spouse that you are just
feeding your jealousy.
4) Do you check emails and phone records?
Do you then question about unknown numbers and require proof about the identity
of the person?
5) Do you control with whom your spouse
can associate?
6) Do you sabotage your partner's efforts
to look attractive? For example, if she is on a diet and you bring home
junk food.
7) Do you belittle your partner and try to
make him or her believe that no one else could love him/her the way you do?
The above are just some of the common
destructive behaviors. Try to identify your behaviors specifically.
If you have trouble with this you could even keep a journal (which can even be a
piece of paper you keep with you) and whenever you notice a behavior, write it
down. Sometimes to notice a behavior you may first notice the outcome of a
behavior such as an argument. So, you might write down every time you
argue and try to determine what behavior preceded the argument.
Once you have identified the behaviors, try to
include other specifics about the behavior such as:
1) When did the behavior occur?
2) What happened right before the
behavior?
3) What was your emotional state right
before the behavior?
4) What was your emotional state after the
behavior?
5) Was there some reinforcement of the
behavior? For example, did you have make-up sex after the argument?
Not all of these questions will provide useful
information. However, you want to look at your answers to determine any
patterns that might occur. For instance, if you noticed that you tend to
engage in the behavior when you've had a stressful day at work, then that
pattern would tell you to be on the look-out for the behavior after work.
Or if you notice that you tend to engage in the behavior after you and your
spouse have attended a party, then you know you need to be careful after a
party.
Once you have identified the behaviors and when
and how they are likely to occur, you need to make a plan to stop the behaviors.
If you have identified a certain pattern when they are likely to occur, you
could try changing your routine. For example, if it occurs when you've
been stressed at work, you might talk with a friend to unwind or you might go
play racquetball to work off the stress.
If you are questioning or making accusations,
you may need to be very firm with yourself and tell yourself to "Stop."
Once will not be enough. You will need to keep reminding yourself.
Also, remind yourself of how the behavior is hurting your relationship.
Have someone you can call when you are having trouble resisting. For some
people, depending on your relationship, your spouse might be able to assist you.
For example, you could tell your spouse not to answer your questions or to walk
away. However, ultimately, it is important for you to take control of your
behavior.
When people change behaviors, they often believe
that the change should be reward enough. However, the jealous behaviors
are often very powerfully reinforcing so you need something to counteract that
reinforcement. So, when you are doing well or you resisted an urge to
engage in the jealous behaviors, give yourself a reward. Rewards can vary
according to each person so it may be a good idea of making a list of things you
can do to reward yourself. And, if your spouse is willing, have him or her
give you a pat on the back as well.
Finally, one very important factor regarding
changing behaviors needs to be addressed. So often, I have clients who
tell me that they complained to their spouse about jealousy and he or she
changed for a period of time. But then they reverted back to the same
behaviors. The typical reason this occurs is because all the individual
did was to change the behaviors. Without changing the underlying cause of
the behaviors such as the self-esteem or fear of abandonment, the behaviors are
likely to return because the individual is still in an emotional state of
distress. So, in other words, it is not enough to change just the
behaviors, you need to take the other steps I've outlined as well.
Copyright ©
2009 by www.excelatlife.com.
Permission to reprint this article is granted if it includes this entire
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