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IMPROVING
YOUR
RELATIONSHIP
Featured Article:
 As a
child Cynthia's hyperactive behavior often annoyed others. Her
teachers frequently reprimanded her in school. The other students
called her "stupid" and refused to let her join them in activities.
At home, her father criticized her and beat her with a belt whenever her
parents received a negative report from school. Due to depression,
her mother tended to ignore Cynthia's needs for emotional support and
attention. As a result, she grew up expecting rejection from
others. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried, all she
experienced was rejection.
As an adult she had numerous unsuccessful
relationships. She desperately wanted the acceptance to be found in a
relationship; however, she perceived her partner's behavior negatively often
thinking about how he wasn't as committed to the relationship and that she was
just good enough until someone else came along. These thoughts led to
hostility toward him and accusations "You don't care about me!" Due to her
focus on her worries about losing him she did not focus on his needs and provide
him with emotional support. Her partner tried to reassure her and comfort
her at first but the constant negativity and hostility drained his ability to
respond to her needs. (Click to continue).
"...someone who is rejection-sensitive is more likely to
overreact to rejection. They may view rejection as
horrible whereas someone else may view it as just a normal thing
that occurs because people are different and no one can be liked
by everyone." |
"To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the
betrayer."
Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience.
To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the betrayer.
It is fairly impossible for you to be betrayed if you did not trust the
individual in the first place. Therefore, the definition of
betrayal involves the act of someone violating your trust in them.
The betrayal I am discussing in this article refers to a variety of
forms of betrayal. For instance, a child is betrayed when he or
she is abused by the parents who are supposed to love, support, and
protect the child. A spouse is betrayed when their partner has an
affair. Betrayal is when someone you trust lies to you, cheats on
you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their own self-interest first.
(Click to
continue.)
Self-esteem is
crucial to a healthy relationship.
Articles on self-esteem:
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Frequently, I am asked how to handle
irrational jealous feelings. Usually, the individual recognizes that her
feelings are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of
controlling the jealousy. In addition, the person usually recognizes the
destructive nature of indulging in the feelings and the resulting
behavior. Such behavior typically involves excessive questioning of her
spouse, suspiciousness, and accusations. Many spouses become extremely
frustrated with this behavior because they have no way of proving their
faithfulness. This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which is used as
further evidence by the jealous spouse that her suspicions are correct.
The
jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he
can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes
that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel
better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never
be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief
that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we
want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love.
(Click to continue). |
RECOMMENDED BOOKS
Recommended Books--
Communication
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If
women could just change one thing, they would find that they could have almost
everything they want in a relationship. Of
course, I'm talking about women who are married to the average decent
non-abusive man. I don't know how
often I've heard a woman say, "But I shouldn't have to ask."
Frequently, they have all sorts of expectations of their partner and
become resentful and angry when he doesn't fulfill those expectations.
However, when I ask what he said when they asked for what they wanted,
they either respond with "I shouldn't have to ask" or with "I
told him once. I shouldn't have to
keep telling him."
These attitudes are self-defeating and often
destructive to a relationship. If
women could learn to ask for what they want and ask often, many women could have
the relationship of their dreams. When
I tell women this, then they typically respond, "But he'll think I'm
nagging him." The problem with
this thinking is that women don't understand how men communicate.
Men are usually very direct in their
communication. When they talk with
one another they say exactly what they want.
A man would say to a friend, "I'm going to be near your office
today. Let's meet for lunch."
A woman is more likely to say especially when talking to a man," I
have an appointment near your office today," hoping that the man will get
the hint and suggest lunch. This
may be a reasonable approach if the woman doesn't know the man very well and
wants to test his interest without making a full commitment.
However, the problem is women use the same approach with their husbands!
"But I shouldn't have to ask." (Click
to continue).
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I had some good questions on
my website regarding handling a partner's irrational jealousy. The
reason I wrote the article What to Do When Your
Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage for the individual with the
problem jealousy is because until that person decides to make changes nothing
can be done to eliminate their jealousy. That article has been very popular and
many people have indicated to me that they are trying to change their behavior
after reading it. However, there are many other people who are not recognizing
their jealous behavior and so their partners are writing to me asking what to
do.
Just because the person
with the jealousy problem is the only one who can change it doesn't mean that
there is nothing that you, as the partner, can do about your partner's
jealousy. However, the steps you can take may be very challenging and don't
come without risk. If you truly want a chance for your partner to change, the
best place to start is with yourself. By changing how you respond to your
partner's jealousy you will develop a greater understanding of how difficult it
is to make changes. This increases your empathy for your partner especially if
he/she is trying to make changes. However, it may also make you less tolerant
of someone refusing to recognize their problem or do anything about it. This
could be a healthy thing for you because you are less likely to remain in a
destructive relationship. (Click
to continue).
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Recommended
Books--
Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques
for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your
Self-Esteem
By Matthew McKay,
Patrick Fanning
The Self-esteem Companion: Simple Exercises
to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic & Celebrate Your
Personal Strengths
By Patrick Fanning, Carole
Honeychurch, Catharine Sutker |
