I  had some good questions on my website regarding handling a partner's irrational jealousy. The reason I wrote the article What to Do When Your Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage for the individual with the problem jealousy is because until that person decides to make changes nothing can be done to eliminate their jealousy. That article has been very popular and many people have indicated to me that they are trying to change their behavior after reading it. However, there are many other people who are not recognizing their jealous behavior and so their partners are writing to me asking what to do.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK TO STOP THE IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?

Just because the person with the jealousy problem is the only one who can change it doesn't mean that there is nothing that you, as the partner, can do about your partner's jealousy. However, the steps you can take may be very challenging and don't come without risk. If you truly want a chance for your partner to change, the best place to start is with yourself. By changing how you respond to your partner's jealousy you will develop a greater understanding of how difficult it is to make changes. This increases your empathy for your partner especially if he/she is trying to make changes. However, it may also make you less tolerant of someone refusing to recognize their problem or do anything about it. This could be a healthy thing for you because you are less likely to remain in a destructive relationship.

Usually jealousy is a problem for the non-jealous partner when the behavior gets out of control. The jealous individual may engage in excessive questioning, make accusations, seek excessive reassurance, and may even control their partner's activities. Of course, no matter how much reassurance is given, faithfulness can never be proven, only disproved. So the jealous person's behavior continues and tends to escalate. The first thing that the recipient of this behavior needs to recognize is that the behavior is controlling and abusive. However, sometimes the recipient of the jealous behavior believes that it just shows that his/her partner is deeply in love. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of insecurity. Love is not controlling. When we love someone we allow them to grow independently of us because by doing so they are with us by choice, not by demand.

The main risk of trying to do something about your partner's jealousy is that you may have to risk the relationship itself. Before you go any further, you must ask yourself, "Why am I willing to take this kind of abuse? Do I deserve to be treated this way?" Just as the person who is jealous has a problem with self-esteem, if you are willing to tolerate this type of relationship, it indicates that you have a problem with self-esteem. Another question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I willing to risk everything in order to try and improve my relationship?" The answer to this question needs to be "Yes." If it is not, there is no need to read any further. PAGE 2


What Are You Willing to Risk to Stop the Irrational Jealousy?--page 1

Steps to Take to Address an Irrationally Jealous Spouse.--page 2

WHAT IS IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY? 

Frequently, I am asked how to handle irrational jealous feelings.  Usually, the individual recognizes that her feelings are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of controlling the jealousy.  In addition, the person usually recognizes the destructive nature of indulging in the feelings and the resulting behavior.  Such behavior typically involves excessive questioning of her spouse, suspiciousness, and accusations.  Many spouses become extremely frustrated with this behavior because they have no way of proving their faithfulness.  This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which is used as further evidence by the jealous spouse that her suspicions are correct.

The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable.  He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better.  The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved.  The definition of trust is the belief that something is true.  Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love.

One of the most difficult things for human beings, in general, is not knowing something with 100% certainty.  We are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt.  Therefore, we go through extreme contortions to try to protect ourselves from the possibility of loss and pain.  Yet, these attempts to protect ourselves may actually be the means with which we destroy that which we are trying to preserve.  In other words, a woman may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful.  As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent.  PAGE 2

What is Irrational Jealousy?--page 1

What Causes Irrational Jealousy?--page 2

How Do You Stop Irrational Jealousy?--page 3