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EXCELLENCE VS. PERFECTION
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
Some people may be curious as to why this website is dedicated to the "pursuit
of excellence" when I am constantly warning about the dangers of perfectionism.
To address this question we must differentiate between the pursuit of excellence
and the need to be perfect. These concepts are not only different but can
be considered antagonistic to one another. In fact these concepts are so opposed
to one another that excellence can best be attained by giving up the
demands of perfection.
What is
perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the individual's belief that he or
she must be perfect to be acceptable. Perfectionism is black and
white with no gray area. Anything other than perfect is failure.
Perfectionism is an attitude, not necessarily a behavior. In other words,
two people can engage in the same behavior such as trying to win an Olympic gold
medal but one can be pursuing excellence and the other is demanding perfection.
The difference lies in the thought process about the goal or behavior, not in
the goal or behavior itself.
What is the
pursuit of excellence?
The pursuit of excellence is the desire to attain a
goal of excellence, to achieve at a high level, to be the best that one can be
but without the demand attached to the goal or desire. Pursuing excellence
may require tremendous effort and focus as well as other resources. But it
does not demand a sacrifice of self-esteem as it tends to focus on the process
of achievement rather than the outcome.
How does the
pursuit of excellence differ from the demand of perfection?
1)
Process-oriented vs. Outcome-oriented. The pursuer of excellence focuses on
the process of the task at hand rather than the outcome. As a result,
goals typically are performance-based rather than achievement based.
For example, in a relationship situation a person may develop a performance goal
of "I will make the effort to listen to my spouse more" rather than the
achievement goal of "I will stop interrupting my spouse." The performance
goal is more achievable because it is always easier to add a new behavior than
to stop an existing behavior. However, as you may see with this example,
if an individual focuses on listening to their spouse more, they are likely to
reduce how much they interrupt their spouse. Yet, setting an
outcome-oriented goal of stopping a behavior is likely to lead to more
failure and discouragement and possibly giving up.
2)
Valuing Self vs. Valuing Achievement. For a perfectionistic individual
self-worth depends upon achievement. Given that the achievement goal is
perfection which is impossible to achieve, the individual is likely to perceive
him or herself as worthless or a failure due to not achieving perfection.
However, the pursuer of excellence values him or herself separate from the
achievement based upon the effort or the willingness to try rather than whether
the goal was achieved. For instance, a perfectionist trying to lose weight
may think "I gained weight this week. I can't do this because I'm so weak
and lazy" whereas the pursuer of excellence may think "I gained weight this
week. I gave it a good effort and I need to figure out how to improve" and
is unlikely to negatively label him or herself.
3)
Achievable Goals vs. Unreasonable Demands. The pursuer of excellence sets
realistic but challenging goals that are clear and specific whereas the
perfectionist set unreasonable demands or expectations. I see many women
who believe that no matter what is asked of them they should meet everyone
else's needs which leads to the stress of not enough time to do everything they
believe they should. Therefore, if the demand exceeds the available time
it is unreasonable. The pursuer of excellence would examine the situation
and make decisions about what is most important to do, where they can set limits
by saying "no," and when they can delegate.
4)
Assessing Mistakes vs. Criticizing Failure. The perfectionist
criticizes him or herself for failure and mistakes often very harshly:
"I'm so lazy and stupid." I often confront this self-flagellation with
"Would you say that to someone you love? Then, don't say it to yourself."
However, the pursuer of excellence is willing to examine his or her performance
and personal vulnerabilities so as to improve. Yet, this examination is
conducted in a gentle way without harsh labels or comments.
5)
Internal Satisfaction vs. External Recognition. The pursuer of
excellence focuses on achieving goals to attain personal satisfaction rather
than needing others to recognize their success. The perfectionist can only
feel good about him or herself when others recognize the achievement. In
fact, the perfectionist may be unable to accomplish tasks or goals that don't
involve external recognition. For instance, a person who can't achieve
sales goals when working for him or herself but is able to achieve the goals set
by a supervisor.
6)
Risking Failure vs. Avoiding Failure. The pursuer of excellence
desires to risk failure because of the benefits that occur from taking a risk.
He or she is able to do this because failure isn't personalized and dreaded as a
result. However, the perfectionist prefers to avoid failure and therefore
often performs at a lower level than he or she is capable. They will often
report "I know I'm capable of more. I'm just afraid to try." Their
need to avoid failure is due to the high cost of failure to their self-esteem:
"If I fail, I am a miserable failure." Whereas, the pursuer of excellence
believes "I was willing to take a risk and try something that most people aren't
even willing to try. So, no matter what the outcome is, I feel successful
because I challenged myself."
7)
Partners vs. Adversaries. The pursuer of excellence sees others as partners
in the achievement of their goals. They view advice as constructive
criticism and seek it out. Whereas, the pursuer of excellence views others
as potential critics and fear blame from others. As a result, they avoid
feedback and their world tends to be viewed more competitively and adversarial
which then reinforces the view of danger from others. For instance, if
someone states, "I think if you took this stance when swinging the club you
could hit it farther" they would see the statement as criticism saying that they
can't play golf whereas the pursuer of excellence would welcome the suggestion
and act upon it.
8)
Patience vs. Demand. The perfectionist expects goals to be achieved
immediately. I frequently encounter clients who express discouragement at
about the third therapy session, "I just can't get this. I can't stop the
negative self-talk." They believe that if they identify a problem, they
should be able to solve it immediately. Whereas the pursuer of excellence
recognizes that change occurs with consistent effort over time and have the
patience to continuing pursuing goals even when there is not immediate change.
9)
Desire vs. Fixed Desire. A statement from the Tau te Ching (which I
think of as the earliest cognitive therapy) is "To be given everything, you must
give everything up." I believe this statement is indicating the difference
between a "fixed desire" and a desire. A fixed desire is a demand or a
"should" about our behavior or the world around us. "I should enjoy
time with my children rather than being distracted." Fixed desires almost
always lead to unhappiness or dissatisfaction because there is an implied demand
of "In order for me to happy or okay or good, I should..." But the
demand is so unreasonable that it can't be met. Look at the one I wrote
above. If a person is thinking "I should enjoy time with my children
rather than being distracted" while with his or her children, he or she is being
distracted by the demanding thought itself! The pursuer of excellence may have
desires such as "I want to be more mentally present when I'm with my children"
but these desires are not demands but are achievable goals.
10)
Enjoyment vs. Dissatisfaction. Finally, the pursuer of excellence
finds enjoyment and satisfaction in the pursuit of goals whereas the
perfectionist is usually unhappy or dissatisfied. When goals or risks are
challenging and achievable and are not attached to the self-concept they can be
fun to pursue. As a result, the pursuer of excellence is often more
successful that the perfectionist because he or she is not paralyzed with fear
of failure but is able to enjoy the process, and therefore, pursue more risks
and goals increasing the chances of success.
See also:
Making Mistakes to Improve Self-Esteem
Copyright ©
2010 by www.excelatlife.com.
Permission to reprint this article is granted if it includes this entire
copyright and link.
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Recommended
Books
The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook
By Martha Davis
Natural Health, Natural Medicine: The Complete Guide to Wellness and Self-Care for Optimum Health
By Andrew Weil
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques
for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your
Self-Esteem
By Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
The
Self-esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge
Your Inner Critic & Celebrate Your Personal Strengths
By Patrick Fanning, Carole
Honeychurch, Catharine Sutker
"To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the
betrayer."
"...the way we make attributions about behavior
affects relationships and self-esteem."
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