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WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR JEALOUSY
THREATENS TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
Step 2.
Challenge Irrational Thoughts.
Challenge the irrational thinking styles
frequently.
Underlying the jealous emotions and behavior are
the irrational thoughts. Before you can change the emotions you need to
identify, challenge, and change these thoughts. One of the most common
types of thought distortions that plays a role in irrational jealousy is the
fixed desire. A fixed desire is any kind of belief that demands a certain
outcome for the person to be happy. For example, "I must get a promotion
at work or I'll be a failure." In this case, the individual's contentment
with him or herself is based on obtaining a promotion.
Fixed desires are typically externally based
which means that a person is giving control of his/her happiness to something or
someone else over which he/she may not have control. Take the above
example. What if this person has an unreasonable boss who won't give the
desired promotion? But the individual continues to believe that he/she is
a failure without it. In this case, nothing he/she can do will change this
feeling because it is out of his/her control.
A fixed desire is different from a desire or a
goal. In the above example, an individual can desire a promotion but does
not have to base his/her self-concept and happiness upon obtaining the goal.
Therefore, it is not a demand and he/she can feel okay whether or not the
promotion is obtained. "I prefer to get a promotion. However, even
without it I know I'm a competent employee."
How does this work with irrational jealousy?
A jealous person may have a belief such as "This person must love me or I can't
be happy." This type of belief is a demand that potentially leads to
thoughts such as "I must make this person love me" or "I must make sure he/she
doesn't leave me." These thoughts then will lead to attempts to control
the other person or to other jealous behaviors such as suspiciousness and
questioning.
If you tend to have fixed desires, you may believe
that this thinking is perfectly reasonable. You might be thinking, "Why
wouldn't I want to make sure this person loves me?" Again, there is a
difference between a desire and a fixed desire (demand). The more you
demand love the less likely you are to obtain it especially since the concept of
true love is that it is freely given. However, if you are
acting on a desire you are more likely to focus on your behavior rather than the
other person's behavior. For example, you are less likely to be
questioning the whereabouts of your loved one and more likely to be
demonstrating your love through caring behaviors. Such behavior is much
more effective in obtaining and securing love than jealous behaviors are.
The bottom line, anyway, when it comes to
whether someone loves you, is that it is outside of your control. Someone
else's love is their choice, not yours. If someone you love does not love
you, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you are unlovable.
It
just means it was not a good fit.
A good way to identify irrational thinking is to
write down your thoughts when you are feeling jealous. Try to be specific
and try to identify the deepest thoughts possible. For instance, if you
think:
"I want him/her to love me."
Ask yourself "What if he/she doesn't?"
"I don't want him/her to leave me?"
Then ask yourself "What if she/he does?"
"I'll be all alone"
"So what if you're all alone?"
"I'll be sad."
"So what if you're sad?"
"I won't be able to stand it."
"And what if you can't stand it?"
"What's the point in living then."
By having this type of conversation with
yourself you can identify the thinking at the deeper levels that contribute to
the irrational jealousy. In this case, the person is identifying fear of
abandonment, inability to tolerate negative emotions, and catastrophic
predictions. Once you identify the source of the thinking you can then
begin to challenge the accuracy of these thoughts.
For instance, a catastrophic prediction is the
belief that the worst case scenario will occur. What is the likelihood
that the worst case scenario will occur? You might believe that since
other people have left you it is likely that your current spouse will leave you.
Is that accurate? Is this person the same as previous people you've with
whom you've had relationships? Is this person likely to cheat on you?
If your answer is truly "yes" then there may be a problem with how you are
choosing partners. Otherwise, it is important to recognize that aside from
your jealous behaviors causing the person to leave, the catastrophic prediction is not
likely to be accurate.
The inability to tolerate negative emotions,
especially sadness and loneliness, is common with irrational jealousy.
Often people believe that these emotions will never end and they don't want to
feel sad or lonely forever. However, the grief process is time-limited if
we allow ourselves to fully feel the grief. When we work through the
emotions by experiencing them rather than avoiding them we are able to resolve
the grief. Frequently, though, due to fear of experiencing the unpleasant
emotions, individuals will become stuck in the grief especially the anger stage
of grief. Anger is a self-protective emotion that is often easier for
people than the overwhelming sadness. However, some people may be
uncomfortable with anger and they may become stuck in the bargaining stage such
as believing they can still work it out.
These are just a couple of the ways that
inaccurate thinking can occur. However, once you have identified the inaccuracies in
your thinking, the next step is to remind yourself frequently of how your
thinking is inaccurate. Sometimes it is useful to even write down the more
accurate thinking and carry it with you so you can read it frequently. The
more often you engage in the accurate thinking, the more quickly your thinking
will change. Try an experiment: before you start to change your thinking,
spend a day counting each time you have a jealous thought--not each episode of
jealousy, but each specific thought. For many people, this will add up
into the hundreds. When you have obtained this baseline, you will have an
idea of how many times you need to repeat the accurate thoughts to yourself each
day because it needs to approximate this number. Another way to obtain the
necessary repetition is to record the accurate thoughts and then listen to them
over and over. As you achieve enough repetition, you will notice that your
automatic thoughts will start to change.
This is not a simple process. However, it
is like any new skill you want to learn. You can't expect to drive a car
without learning how and then practicing. the same is true of changing
thinking: we need to learn the method and then practice.
Copyright © 2009 by
www.excelatlife.com. Permission
to reprint this article is granted if it includes this entire copyright and link.
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"If you truly want a chance for your partner to
change, the best place to start is with yourself. "
"To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the
betrayer."
"...the way we make attributions about behavior
affects relationships and self-esteem."
Recommended
Books
Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures
By
Ayala Mal Pines
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques
for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your
Self-Esteem
By Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
The Self-esteem Companion: Simple Exercises
to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic & Celebrate Your
Personal Strengths
By Patrick Fanning, Carole
Honeychurch, Catharine Sutker |
