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CATASTROPHE?
OR INCONVENIENCE?
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
Listening to the weather forecast one frigid day, I realized how much we are
influenced by the catastrophic thinking of the media. The weatherman
reported, "The weather has brought more misery to the St. Louis area."
Certainly, the weather was causing problems that day. An ice storm caused
car doors and locks to be frozen so that people had a great deal of trouble
getting into their cars. However, I thought, unless someone was in the
middle of nowhere with no cell phone and they were unable to open their car door
because of the ice, this was not "misery." Instead, I would call it an
"inconvenience." Most of us walked out to our cars to find that we
couldn't open the door, went back inside a warm house or office, and found some
solution to our problem.
As a cognitive therapist I am well aware of the influence our thinking has upon
moods and behavior. Yet, I became fascinated with how much we are
inundated by negative messages that can seriously affect how we perceive a
situation and how we feel. Many people may believe that I might be
overstating the consequences of such a simple word as "misery." However,
try a simple experiment for yourself. The next time it is raining, tell
your colleagues or family "It's just miserable and dreary out" and watch their
reactions. Do they tend to respond with a negative comment?
Especially pay attention to their nonverbals: do they appear happy? do they
appear alert? do they commiserate with a frown? do their shoulders sag? do they
sigh? Then try telling others "I find listening to the sound of the rain
so relaxing." Is there a difference in the nonverbals? Are they more
likely to respond with pleasant conversation?
Such a simple and fairly insignificant example. Yet, if you find that
people respond differently in these two conditions, imagine this response
multiplied by all the daily influences in our lives: other people, television,
internet, newspapers, radio. In fact, don't just imagine but pay attention
to the words that are used by the media. Take a news article and highlight
the emotionally influential words. Listen to a talk show and write down
the times they make negative comments. How do you feel when you listen to
a show with many negative words and comments? Do you feel more angry or
burdened? Or do you feel refreshed or energized?
So why is this a serious problem? Because of the psychological concept
"self-fulfilling prophecy." A self-fulfilling prophecy refers to a
belief that creates an outcome. For example, if an individual is walking
into a social gathering and thinks "I have so much trouble talking to people.
I'm probably going to end up sitting by myself," he is likely to have exactly
the outcome predicted. The negative thought and prediction causes the
person to project certain nonverbal messages such as not smiling or lacking eye
contact with others which tends to make him less approachable. In
addition, he may be less likely to initiate contact because of the belief.
And therefore, the prediction comes true and he sits in a corner by himself.
On the other hand, a self-fulfilling prophecy can also have a positive
prediction. For example, let's say the person thinks "I have so much
trouble talking to people. But I know I can introduce myself and smile and
listen to others well. So I'll be able join a group and not sit by
myself." This person is much more likely to have the positive outcome
predicted.
Many years ago I treated a woman with severe Social Phobia. Terrified to
be around others, she did her grocery shopping in the middle of the night and
never interacted with others unless it was unavoidable. As she made
progress in therapy, one day she reported excitedly "Someone asked me for
directions at the mall." At first I was confused by this innocuous
situation. However, she explained "Even when I was out in public in the
past, no one ever approached me or smiled at me." Her previous
self-fulfilling prophecy that no one could possibly like her had changed to the
belief that she was a likeable person. As a result, her nonverbals had
changed and other people could now approach her. This led to her being
able to make friends, take classes, and get promoted to a supervisory position
at work.
Therefore, my proposition is that the words we use can have quite an impact upon
how we feel about a situation. If we look at a situation as an
inconvenience rather than a catastrophe we will approach it differently and not
feel as overwhelmed. One day a couple years ago just as I finished a
session with my last client of the day in which we discussed this very topic and
walked out to my car I noticed I had a flat tire. I said to myself, "This
is an opportunity to practice what you preach. A flat tire is really just
an inconvenience." However, I was supposed to teach a cardio kickboxing
class that evening and I probably wasn't going to make it. So, I called
AAA to fix my tire and another cardio teacher to handle my class continuing to
remind myself that this is just an inconvenience. Prior to the truck from
AAA arriving I received a call about someone I knew personally who was making
suicidal threats and I needed to assist. Throughout all this I remained
calm and handled both situations. Later, I recognized that by not
responding as if it was a catastrophe that a friend was suicidal while my car
was broke down, I was less stressed by the situation and was better able to
assist.
Now, I'm certainly not saying that nothing is catastrophic. However, we
need to be careful how many events we tend to classify in that category. I
think in general we over-classify events as catastrophes. Most situations are
not catastrophes and we need to keep perspective. For instance, one time when I was
viewing things in my life more negatively, my husband looked up from the paper
and said, "Here's an article about some folks in Ethiopia who were crossing the
country on foot to get to another country for food and they were eaten by
lions." That immediately put things in perspective for me because that was
a true catastrophe.
A client I had who was dying of cancer once said to me, "If a problem can be
solved by throwing money at it, it's not really a problem." She meant that
even if you didn't have the money, it was still a solvable problem.
Whereas, it didn't matter how much money she threw at the cancer, it was
unsolvable. She was going to die no matter what.
Yet, in a philosophical sense, we could take this premise even further and
question whether death is even a catastrophe. Suffering and death are normal
parts of life just as joy and happiness are. I'm not saying we should
embrace suffering and look forward to death, but I am saying that we can
choose to focus on the joy and happiness in life by not making inconveniences
into catastrophes.
Addendum:
Since I wrote the above article and 2009 is drawing to a close, I've had
numerous clients echoing a common theme "I'm glad this decade is almost over."
Usually, when a number of people are voicing something similar and negative, it
can be traced back to the media. Sure enough, one of my clients told me
that he heard a media personality declare the decade ending in 2009 (which
technically isn't true until the end of 2010) as "The decade from hell."
Once I started paying attention, I've heard numerous other examples in the media
describing this decade in pejorative terms.
What a good example with which to make my point about the influence of words
upon how we feel. How many of you have heard these types of comments and
then readily agreed? And as a result tended to feel more sad, frustrated,
irritated? Do you want to turn control of your life over to this type of
influence? If not, make a resolution to refuse to allow the media to
dictate how you think and feel. Be a critical thinker and evaluate what you hear
and how you will allow it to influence you. Because unless Armageddon occurred
while I wasn't looking, I don't know how the last ten years could be labeled "The decade
from hell."
See also:
Making Attributions for a Healthier Attitude
Copyright ©
2009 by www.excelatlife.com.
Permission to reprint this article is granted if it includes this entire
copyright and link.
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Recommended
Books
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques
for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your
Self-Esteem
By Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
The
Self-esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge
Your Inner Critic & Celebrate Your Personal Strengths
By Patrick Fanning, Carole
Honeychurch, Catharine Sutker
"If you truly want a chance for your partner to
change, the best place to start is with yourself. "
"To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the
betrayer."
"...the way we make attributions about behavior
affects relationships and self-esteem."
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