HOW DO YOU STOP IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?

Once you have determined the behavior, then you can make choices to change the behavior.  Even though these feelings seem uncontrollable, that doesn't mean they are uncontrollable.  However, you may need to make a commitment to the hard work involved in making changes.

The following steps can help you with these changes:
1) Make an effort to no longer engage in the self-defeating behavior (READ MORE).  If you are questioning or making accusations, stop the behavior immediately.  Whether you need to literally bite your tongue, go to another room, or talk to a friend, don't allow yourself to continue with this destructive behavior.  Usually people engage in this behavior because initially it is reassuring to them and makes them feel better.  But remind yourself that feeling better is just temporary and that it is a destructive behavior that must stop.

2) Challenge the irrational thinking styles frequently (READ MORE).  Identify how your thinking is irrational and remind yourself of why it is whenever you have the jealous thoughts.  If is often beneficial to write this down.  Some things that you may identify include the idea that there is no evidence, that the probability is remote, and that there is evidence to the contrary such as the loving things your spouse does for you.

3) Refuse to engage in the jealous self-talk (READ MORE).  Whenever you engage in the jealous self-talk, internally tell yourself to "shut up."  You may need to do this repeatedly, but you want to do whatever is necessary to not listen to yourself on this topic.  Some people use the rubber band method which involves the aversive stimulus of snapping a rubber band on your wrist whenever you have the jealous self-talk.

4) Work on improving your self-esteem  (READ MORE).  Remember that irrational jealousy is not about your spouse but is about yourself.  Use the presence of jealous feelings to remind yourself that you need to focus on improving your self-esteem.  Although improving self-esteem is another entire topic to itself, generally, you need to give yourself positive self-statements and engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself.

5) Learn to be vulnerable and to develop emotional intimacy.  For any relationship to be successful, you must be able to take risks.  There are many ways to do this and you need to determine by assessing yourself what are the best ways for you to take risks.  For instance, if you feel insecure, you might share these feelings with your spouse and talk about ways your spouse can help you feel more secure. Or if you are afraid of being vulnerable, you might decide to take small risks of sharing yourself, your feelings, and your fears with your spouse. Sometimes the process of developing awareness and challenging irrational beliefs may be too difficult to accomplish alone and a person may need assistance from a therapist.  However, typically a good cognitive-behavioral therapist can point you in the right direction within a few sessions and then most of the work is up to you.

What is Irrational Jealousy?--page 1

What Causes Irrational Jealousy?--page 2

How Do You Stop Irrational Jealousy?--page 3
 

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER'S JEALOUSY THREATENS TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.

I had had some good questions on my website regarding handling a partner's irrational jealousy. The reason I wrote the article What to Do When Your Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage for the individual with the problem jealousy is because until that person decides to make changes nothing can be done to eliminate their jealousy. That article has been very popular and many people have indicated to me that they are trying to change their behavior after reading it. However, there are many other people who are not recognizing their jealous behavior and so their partners are writing to me asking what to do.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK TO STOP THE IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?

Just because the person with the jealousy problem is the only one who can change it doesn't mean that there is nothing that you, as the partner, can do about your partner's jealousy. However, the steps you can take may be very challenging and don't come without risk. If you truly want a chance for your partner to change, the best place to start is with yourself. By changing how you respond to your partner's jealousy you will develop a greater understanding of how difficult it is to make changes. This increases your empathy for your partner especially if he/she is trying to make changes. However, it may also make you less tolerant of someone refusing to recognize their problem or do anything about it. This could be a healthy thing for you because you are less likely to remain in a destructive relationship.

Usually jealousy is a problem for the non-jealous partner when the behavior gets out of control. The jealous individual may engage in excessive questioning, make accusations, seek excessive reassurance, and may even control their partner's activities. Of course, no matter how much reassurance is given, faithfulness can never be proven, only disproved. So the jealous person's behavior continues and tends to escalate. The first thing that the recipient of this behavior needs to recognize is that the behavior is controlling and abusive. However, sometimes the recipient of the jealous behavior believes that it just shows that his/her partner is deeply in love. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of insecurity. Love is not controlling. When we love someone we allow them to grow independently of us because by doing so they are with us by choice, not by demand.

The main risk of trying to do something about your partner's jealousy is that you may have to risk the relationship itself. Before you go any further, you must ask yourself, "Why am I willing to take this kind of abuse? Do I deserve to be treated this way?" Just as the person who is jealous has a problem with self-esteem, if you are willing to tolerate this type of relationship, it indicates that you have a problem with self-esteem. Another question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I willing to risk everything in order to try and improve my relationship?" The answer to this question needs to be "Yes." If it is not, there is no need to read any further.  PAGE 2