WHAT DO I DO NOW?

1) How Can I Create an Opportunity to Really Talk Things Out?

Mike states, "My spouse does not want to go to marriage counseling and believes the problem is one I created and should fix myself." Actually, at this point Mike's spouse is correct. Most likely, she has been accused and blamed so much in the relationship that she doesn't want to focus again on her being the problem. She anticipates marriage counseling as just another way to shift blame on to her. Marriage counseling may be helpful at some point, but not until Mike addresses his individual issues thoroughly. Mike's question involves wanting to "talk things out" but his wife is beyond talk. From her perspective, talk has been the problem. Talk leads to the jealousy and the accusations. At this time, the only thing that can make a difference is to be shown. Mike needs to show her that not only does he understand the problem, but that he has solved the problem.

2) With the Way Things Are, How Can We Create Trust in the Relationship?

As indicated above, this is in Mike's hands now. If the marriage can be saved, it's not about "we," it's about him. He destroyed the trust in the relationship and he's the one that must repair it. However, I think the major error he is making is one many people make and that is once they have identified the problem and taken steps to change it, everything should change immediately. Similar to an alcoholic who quits drinking, "I quit drinking. Why is she still suspicious of me and angry?" the spouse who stops the behavior expects immediate changes from his/her spouse.

Many times the jealous behavior has occurred over many years. The accused spouse may have heard many apologies and promises to change. He or she may have had hopes that things would change many times previously that were destroyed again and again. Just because the jealous spouse recognizes the difference this time, doesn't mean that all wounds will heal immediately. It will take time.

3) Can it Be Fixed?

Most things can be fixed, but when a great deal of damage has been done, the injured spouse may not be willing to try. At this point, since Mike's wife is still with him, it is best to assume that there is still hope. He needs to focus on action. Action in this situation means choosing to trust his wife and not engaging in the jealous behaviors. Action may mean obtaining individual therapy to address any underlying issues that have lead to the jealousy. Action means making amends. Mike indicated that he's feeling hurt by his wife's behavior now, but he needs to focus on what he needs to change. Any focus on what she's doing to hurt him is only another accusation and will further convince her that he hasn't really changed because it's "still about him" and his desire to avoid being hurt. Instead, he may need to recognize that dealing with the hurt she's causing him (by protecting herself) may be part of making amends. He needs to recognize the pain that he has caused and do whatever he can to help her feel good about herself in the relationship.

Will that work? Maybe not, but it's a necessary risk if this relationship is to be saved.

4)  How Do I Make Amends When My Spouse Won't Talk to Me or Spend Time With Me?

Mike needs to understand that his wife is probably leery of talking because most likely much of the jealous behavior involved talking.  Therefore, talking even when its about controlling the jealous behavior may be viewed suspiciously.  What Miked needs to realize is that his wife is not going to see his progress to the same degree as he does so it will take time for his wife to understand that he has changed. 

I understand that when we make changes we want others to notice and comment and be pleased with us right away.  But with this type of change, which is the absense of a behavior, it takes much longer than when a change involves adding or increasing a behavior.  So it is important to have patience.

Mike also needs to keep in mind that making amends doesn't just mean apologizing. Another way to make amends is for Mike to do things he knows his wife will appreciate even if she doesn't notice right away.  It could mean doing the laundry, or changing the oil in her car, or spending time with her family.  It doesn't need to be major things.  Frequency is much more important.

5)  How Can I Show that I'm Changing When My Spouse Focuses on Every Mistake I Make?

Once the damage is done, it is difficult to show change because Mike might be aware that there were ten times when he didn't say anything or exhibit jealous behavior, but is wife will focus on the one time that he did.  Since it is impossible to make a 100% change overnight and that even when a person does change they might slip into the old behavior occasionally, the spouse will notice the unwanted behavior and not be aware of the improvement.

This means that it is very important to eliminate the behavior even if the feelings can't be eliminated initially because it is the behavior the spouse sees, not the feelings.  Also, it is the behavior that hurts the spouse.  So, Mike needs to develop strategies to use when he feels jealous so as not to engage in the behavior.

Some strategies:
Talk to a trusted friend.  Have someone who already understands the situation to whom you can talk when you are having trouble controlling the jealous feelings and behavior.  This person needs to remind you of the consequences  of not controlling the behavior.  Usually if you take the time to talk it out with someone the feelings will pass and you will be more in control.

Journal your feelings.  Again, by taking the time to get your feelings out in another way, it can give you a little distance and the feelings will pass.  When you journal, you not only write your feelings but you also need to challenge the feelings and write why the feelings are not accurate and the consequences of acting upon the feelings.

Some individuals are very good at giving others advice even though they may have difficulty challenging their own thinking.  If this is the case, you can write your feelings in an email as if you are writing to a friend.  Then send the email to yourself and answer the email as if a friend had written to you. 

A special thanks to "Mike" for sharing his situation.

Jealousy: When the Damage is Done--page 1

Did My Jealousy Become a Reality or is it Still My Insecurities?--page 2

How Will I Know the Difference Between Jealousy and Infidelity at This Point?--page 3

What Do I Do Now?--page 4

I had had some good questions on my website regarding handling a partner's irrational jealousy. The reason I wrote the article What to Do When Your Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage for the individual with the problem jealousy is because until that person decides to make changes nothing can be done to eliminate their jealousy. That article has been very popular and many people have indicated to me that they are trying to change their behavior after reading it. However, there are many other people who are not recognizing their jealous behavior and so their partners are writing to me asking what to do.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK TO STOP THE IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?

Just because the person with the jealousy problem is the only one who can change it doesn't mean that there is nothing that you, as the partner, can do about your partner's jealousy. However, the steps you can take may be very challenging and don't come without risk. If you truly want a chance for your partner to change, the best place to start is with yourself. By changing how you respond to your partner's jealousy you will develop a greater understanding of how difficult it is to make changes. This increases your empathy for your partner especially if he/she is trying to make changes. However, it may also make you less tolerant of someone refusing to recognize their problem or do anything about it. This could be a healthy thing for you because you are less likely to remain in a destructive relationship.

Usually jealousy is a problem for the non-jealous partner when the behavior gets out of control. The jealous individual may engage in excessive questioning, make accusations, seek excessive reassurance, and may even control their partner's activities. Of course, no matter how much reassurance is given, faithfulness can never be proven, only disproved. So the jealous person's behavior continues and tends to escalate. The first thing that the recipient of this behavior needs to recognize is that the behavior is controlling and abusive. However, sometimes the recipient of the jealous behavior believes that it just shows that his/her partner is deeply in love. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of insecurity. Love is not controlling. When we love someone we allow them to grow independently of us because by doing so they are with us by choice, not by demand.

The main risk of trying to do something about your partner's jealousy is that you may have to risk the relationship itself. Before you go any further, you must ask yourself, "Why am I willing to take this kind of abuse? Do I deserve to be treated this way?" Just as the person who is jealous has a problem with self-esteem, if you are willing to tolerate this type of relationship, it indicates that you have a problem with self-esteem. Another question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I willing to risk everything in order to try and improve my relationship?" The answer to this question needs to be "Yes." If it is not, there is no need to read any further.  PAGE 2