STEPS TO TAKE TO ADDRESS AN IRRATIONALLY JEALOUS SPOUSE

For those you who have answered "Yes" the following are the steps to take. Recognize these steps are not easy and that what I have written may not be comprehensive. If any step proves to be too difficult for you, please seek professional advice.

If you are fearful of violence, do not take any steps without assistance and preparation.

1) Identify Your Role. Deal with your self-esteem issues first. If you are so afraid of losing the relationship that you are willing to put up with the jealous behavior, then you need to develop a greater sense of self-worth. Start by understanding how your thinking contributes to your self-esteem problems and then learn how to change that thinking. A good book that provides a step-by-step process is Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay (see below).

2) Stop Enabling. By developing your own self-esteem, you will come to recognize that you are neither responsible for you partner's behavior nor is there anything you can do to stop the jealousy. No matter how "good" you are, your partner has a problem. The more you try to alter yourself and your life and your contact with others, the more you are enabling your partner's behavior. This is no different than if your partner is an alcoholic and you contribute to the illness by covering for him/her or by tolerating inappropriate behavior.

3) Assertive Communication. Once you have developed your self-confidence, you need to assertively communicate to your partner that his/her behavior is hurtful and you cannot tolerate this. How you communicate this is important and needs to be done in a loving way, not as criticism or in angry reaction. If you do not know how to communicate effectively, get some training first. Many community colleges have courses for the public on communication so they may be a good resource or you can see a behavior therapist for skills training.

4) Set Your Limit. If the previous step does not open your partner's eyes to his/her behavior, then you may have to take the most difficult step. You have to decide that you will not continue to tolerate this behavior and you let him/her know that. You let your partner know that he/she needs to make changes or your relationship will not be able to continue. When you discuss this issue, it needs to be in a calm manner and not during anger. You also need to let him/her know the steps you are taking including not responding to their questioning and accusations and not changing your life to try and make them feel better. If their behavior escalates and they become more abusive, this should tell you without a doubt that you are in a destructive relationship. If they begin to recognize the problem and try to make changes, then you are on the road to recovery. If you are afraid that taking these steps will escalate the situation to violence, that is a strong sign that you need to get away from the individual as soon as possible. Most communities have resources to help people in abusive relationships. 


What Are You Willing to Risk to Stop the Irrational Jealousy?--page 1

Steps to Take to Address an Irrationally Jealous Spouse.--page 2

WHAT IS IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY? 

Frequently, I am asked how to handle irrational jealous feelings.  Usually, the individual recognizes that her feelings are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of controlling the jealousy.  In addition, the person usually recognizes the destructive nature of indulging in the feelings and the resulting behavior.  Such behavior typically involves excessive questioning of her spouse, suspiciousness, and accusations.  Many spouses become extremely frustrated with this behavior because they have no way of proving their faithfulness.  This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which is used as further evidence by the jealous spouse that her suspicions are correct.

The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable.  He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better.  The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved.  The definition of trust is the belief that something is true.  Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love.

One of the most difficult things for human beings, in general, is not knowing something with 100% certainty.  We are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt.  Therefore, we go through extreme contortions to try to protect ourselves from the possibility of loss and pain.  Yet, these attempts to protect ourselves may actually be the means with which we destroy that which we are trying to preserve.  In other words, a woman may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful.  As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent.  PAGE 2

What is Irrational Jealousy?--page 1

What Causes Irrational Jealousy?--page 2

How Do You Stop Irrational Jealousy?--page 3