WHAT IS JEALOUSY?

Jealousy has long intrigued and devastated humankind. If you examine classics of literature or even the Bible you will find numerous tales of jealousy and revenge. Early in the 1900's researchers were examining jealousy in college students. One reviewer of this research stated,"...jealousy is a fundamental instinct that bears strong resemblance to anger, fear and grief and shows relationship to the proprietary instinct. It is a safeguard against the social instinct, and mutual aid forms a strong off-set to jealousy (Withey, 1907)." In other words, jealousy is a basic instinct related to the need to possess especially within relationships and that the more people try to help one another rather than compete, the less jealousy is experienced.


Jealousy is an emotion based upon loss or the fear of loss such as a relationship or friendship. Other emotions such as anxiety, anger, grief, or sadness are typically present. Often, the individual experiences negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity. Although very similar, jealousy and envy are not considered the same emotion. Jealousy relates to the loss of something the person already possesses whereas envy is the desire for something the person does not possess. However, it can be argued that in some circumstances jealousy and envy may be virtually identical.

For instance, if a person was passed over for a promotion, she may feel envious towards the co-worker who received the promotion. Since she didn't lose something she already possessed (her job), it wouldn't be considered jealousy. However, we could state that she did lose something in her possession such as her sense of adequacy or competence that the promotion represented. In which case the feelings towards the co-worker could be considered jealousy. Therefore, even though scientific research makes a distinction between jealousy and envy, I think for the purposes of this article we will use both terms because many of the issues we cover will be very similar, if not identical. PAGE 3

Introduction--When Is Jealousy Irrational?--page 1

What Is Jealousy?--page 2

When Is Jealousy A Normal Emotion?--page 3
 
What Is the Purpose of Normal Jealousy?--page 4

What Is Irrational Jealousy?--page 5

What Are the Problem Behaviors That Occur With Irrational Jealousy?--page 6
 
Causes of Irrational Jealousy--page 7

What Can Be Done About Irrational Jealousy?--page 8

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER'S JEALOUSY THREATENS TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.

I had had some good questions on my website regarding handling a partner's irrational jealousy. The reason I wrote the article What to Do When Your Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage for the individual with the problem jealousy is because until that person decides to make changes nothing can be done to eliminate their jealousy. That article has been very popular and many people have indicated to me that they are trying to change their behavior after reading it. However, there are many other people who are not recognizing their jealous behavior and so their partners are writing to me asking what to do.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RISK TO STOP THE IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY?

Just because the person with the jealousy problem is the only one who can change it doesn't mean that there is nothing that you, as the partner, can do about your partner's jealousy. However, the steps you can take may be very challenging and don't come without risk. If you truly want a chance for your partner to change, the best place to start is with yourself. By changing how you respond to your partner's jealousy you will develop a greater understanding of how difficult it is to make changes. This increases your empathy for your partner especially if he/she is trying to make changes. However, it may also make you less tolerant of someone refusing to recognize their problem or do anything about it. This could be a healthy thing for you because you are less likely to remain in a destructive relationship.

Usually jealousy is a problem for the non-jealous partner when the behavior gets out of control. The jealous individual may engage in excessive questioning, make accusations, seek excessive reassurance, and may even control their partner's activities. Of course, no matter how much reassurance is given, faithfulness can never be proven, only disproved. So the jealous person's behavior continues and tends to escalate. The first thing that the recipient of this behavior needs to recognize is that the behavior is controlling and abusive. However, sometimes the recipient of the jealous behavior believes that it just shows that his/her partner is deeply in love. Jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of insecurity. Love is not controlling. When we love someone we allow them to grow independently of us because by doing so they are with us by choice, not by demand.

The main risk of trying to do something about your partner's jealousy is that you may have to risk the relationship itself. Before you go any further, you must ask yourself, "Why am I willing to take this kind of abuse? Do I deserve to be treated this way?" Just as the person who is jealous has a problem with self-esteem, if you are willing to tolerate this type of relationship, it indicates that you have a problem with self-esteem. Another question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I willing to risk everything in order to try and improve my relationship?" The answer to this question needs to be "Yes." If it is not, there is no need to read any further.  PAGE 2