"Individuals who are
rejection-sensitive are more likely to perceive
rejection in situations others may
not interpret as rejection."
REJECTION SENSITIVITY, IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY, AND IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIPS (page
8)
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
HOW IS REJECTION SENSITIVITY CHANGED?
1)
Recognize the rejection sensitivity. For an individual to be able to make changes, they have to first recognize the problems and the behaviors that are self-defeating. In this instance, it is important to stop blaming other people and to stop examining others' behavior for every nuance that could be considered as potentially rejecting. Instead, the individual needs to recognize their sensitivity to rejection, how it causes them to frequently misinterpret others' behavior and intention, and lead to problematic behaviors that can be destructive to the relationship. Once the individual recognizes the reality of the situation, he/she can begin to take the steps to change.
2)
Challenge the irrational beliefs. Cognitive restructuring is a technique that focuses on changing the underlying thought processes that tend to create and perpetuate the behavior. One method of cognitive restructuring is "reframing" which involves recognizing other possible reasons for the behavior. The rejection-sensitive person often believes there is only one possible interpretation of a situation and that interpretation involves being rejected. Thus, if their partner's behavior is "cool and distant" they may believe their partner's satisfaction in the relationship has declined. However, it is also possible that the partner may be worried about something unrelated to the relationship and they may feel they are protecting the partner by not sharing their worries. Or the partner may be dealing with a problem such as depression which causes him/her to withdraw. If we thought about it, we could probably come up with many other reasons for this behavior. Therefore, the reframing technique requires the rejection-sensitive person to look at some of these other possibilities and to recognize that if other possible explanations exist, their interpretation may not be accurate.
Another way to challenge the irrational thinking is to recognize the fallacy in the belief that we "should never be rejected." Instead of seeing rejection as a bad thing, we could see it as a good thing. For instance, many people believe that they should make a new relationship work at all costs. This is not a good idea. What happens when you passively allow your partner to make the decisions in the relationship even when you don't agree? You're likely to build resentment and eventually it will impact the relationship. It is better to recognize the potential for rejection as a way of determining the "fit" of the relationship. For instance, instead of just agreeing with your partner, you voice your opinion. Now there are different possible outcomes. One possible outcome is that your disagreement leads to a discussion which leads to a resolution of the problem. Another possible outcome is that your partner becomes demanding about his/her decision and refuses to listen to you. Now, based on what outcome occurs, you have information about whether this relationship is the right "fit" for you.
3)
Mistake practice technique. Once an individual has begun to change the thinking about rejection, he/she may try some "experiments" to show that their perception of rejection may be inaccurate or exaggerated. One way of doing this is a technique called "mistake practice." This technique helps to change beliefs about making minor mistakes. An individual who is rejection-sensitive may believe that relatively minor mistakes that everyone makes are catastrophic and other people won't like them as a result. An example of this is calling someone by the wrong name. This is a common error, one which most people take in stride, often don't think twice about, and certainly don't view as "horrible" and a reason to reject someone. However, someone who is rejection-sensitive may be horrified at such a mistake.
Mistake practice involves making a list of minor mistakes that would cause you to be uncomfortable, put this list in order from easiest to hardest, and then deliberately make a mistake. So, if you're concerned about calling someone by the wrong name, you would deliberately do so. The idea is that after you make this mistake a few times, you find that are other people aren't reacting as negatively as you anticipated.
4)
Exposure practice to rejection. Exposure practice is similar to mistake practice except it is to deliberately elicit rejection and to prove to yourself that you can handle and survive rejection. For instance, Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Therapy, was terrified of asking women out for fear of being rejected. To overcome his fear he was determined to ask a hundred women out recognizing that he would be rejected by the majority. I guess it worked because he did eventually get married.
I often tell people, "If you have two men who both want to have a date on Saturday night and one man asks 10 women out and one man asks one woman, which man is more likely to have a date on Saturday night and which man is likely to have more rejections?" Obviously, the answer is the same man, the one who asked 10 women out. This is an example of how rejection may be a good thing because taking the risk of rejection leads to potential success.
In conclusion, what we have reviewed is that people's early experiences in life may lead to increased sensitivity to rejection. This rejection sensitivity often leads to misinterpretations of others' behavior and irrational jealousy leading to problematic relationship behaviors by the rejection-sensitive person. These behaviors may cause dissatisfaction and termination of the relationship reinforcing the irrational thinking about the likelihood of rejection. However, there are methods that can be used to reduce rejection sensitivity.
Downey G. & Feldman, S. (1996). Implications of Rejection Sensitivity for Intimate Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70, 1327-1343.
Erikson, Erik H. Identity and the Life Cycle. New York: International Universities Press, 1959.
Feldman, S. & Downey, G. (1994). Rejection sensitivity
as a mediator of the impact of childhood exposure to
family violence on adult attachment behavior.
Development and Psychopathology, 6, 231-247.
Intro to
Rejection Sensitivity.--page 1
What is Rejection
Sensitivity? and What is Irrational Jealousy?--page 2
How is Rejection Sensititivity Related to
Childhood Abuse or Rejection?--page 3
How are Rejection Sensitivity, Self-Esteem and Social
Anxiety Related?--page 4
How does Expectation of Rejection Affect Perception of
Rejection?--page 5
How does Rejection Sensitivity Impact an Intimate
Relationship?--page 6
How is Rejection Sensitivity Self-Perpetuating?--page 7
How is Rejection Sensitivity Changed?--page 8
Copyright © 2009
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
"To be betrayed, the person must
first experience trust in the betrayer...
...when they do hurt us, we then have the awareness
that this other person has the capacity to hurt us."
W
HEN YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED (page 1)
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
WHAT IS BETRAYAL?
Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person
can experience. To be betrayed,
the person must first experience trust in the betrayer.
It is fairly impossible for you to be
betrayed if you did not trust the individual in the
first place. Therefore,the definition of betrayal
involves the act of someone violating your trust in
them. The betrayal I am discussing in this
article refers to a variety of forms of betrayal. For
instance, a child isbetrayed when he or she
is abused by the parents who are supposed to love,
support, and protect the child. A spouse is
betrayed when their partner has an affair. Betrayal is
when someone you trust lies to you,
cheats on you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their
own self-interest first.
Betrayal as Loss. Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person
can experience. Notice that I am using
the term "loss" to describe the consequences of
betrayal. In our society, we have trouble
understanding the concepts of loss and grief. We
understand that when someone dies we
experience loss and grief, but frequently we don't
recognize the other forms of loss that we may
experience in life. Loss can be losing a person through
death. However, it can also be losing
a part of that person such as through illness. When a
spouse develops Alzheimer's, for instance,
the healthy spouse may experience loss of companionship
or loss of emotional support.
Loss can also involve things that are less tangible such
as trust. When an individual is betrayed by
someone, they lose trust in that person. In trusting
another person, we believe that they won't
hurt us; when they do hurt us, we then have the
awareness that this other person has the
capacity to hurt us. Therefore, we have lost something
very important to the relationship.
Purposeful Aspect of Betrayal. The reason that betrayal is the most devastating kind
loss is because most often it is often a loss that didn't
have to occur. It only occurs because of someone's
deliberately hurtful behavior, or their
carelessness, or their own personal weakness. Unlike a
loss such as death or illness, there is
usually some sort of choice involved. The person who was
betrayed believes that the choice
was wrong and preventable.
Loss of the Illusion. Even more confusing, however, is that sometimes loss can
be the loss of an illusion. Frequently,
we develop in our minds the way we think things "should"
be. However, reality doesn't always correspond with the
demands that we put on life, ourselves,
and others. Therefore, sometimes we are hurt when we
have to face this reality. For instance,
imagine children who grow up in the fortunate experience
of having parents who always put the
needs of their children first. But what they don't know
is that their parents are unhappy together.
Those children become young adults and are confronted
with their parents telling them that they
are getting a divorce. Frequently, those children feel
betrayed by the illusion of the happy family
they always thought they had. Suddenly they are
confronted with a hurtful reality.
Another example is that a man marries a woman and thinks
of her as a virtuous, moral person. Later he
finds out that she had numerous sexual encounters prior
to their relationship. He has lost his
concept of how he thought of his wife. He feels betrayed
even though she didn't do anything to
break her committed to him; his sense of betrayal is the
loss of the illusion of how he thought of
his wife.
However, even if the betrayal is the loss of the
illusion, the grief is very real and needs
to be dealt with. Sometimes this is hard to do because
the person is told and believes that they
shouldn't feel so strongly about something that was not
an actual betrayal of them. So with this
type of loss a person is often tempted to move on too
quickly without resolving it.
PAGE 2
What is Betrayal?--page 1
What is the Process of Grief?--page
2
What Should You Expect With
Grief When Betrayed?--page 3
When Should You Forgive a Betrayal?--page
4
Copyright © 2004 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com. Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
