"To be betrayed, the person must
first experience trust in the betrayer...
...when they do hurt us, we then have the awareness
that this other person has the capacity to hurt us."
WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED (page 4)
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
WHEN SHOULD YOU FORGIVE A BETRAYAL?
Many people ask how to know whether or not to forgive
and continue with the relationship. I
can give you some of the questions to consider for this
issue but I can't give the answers
because each person needs to determine for him or
herself what is right.
1) First of all, is the
behavior a continuing behavior or does the person
recognize the hurt they have caused and are
trying to change the behavior?
2) Also, does the individual
want forgiveness? To want forgiveness
the person has to see the behavior as wrong and not
intend to engage in it any further.
3) Was the
transgression out of justified anger and the person
regretted acting so rashly? Did they learn
from this behavior and are unlikely to do it again?
4) How
long have you know the person? Is this
typical behavior or is a single instance?
5) Have you
talked with the person and they have
accepted responsibility?
6) Was the behavior intentional or
was it related to the loss of an illusion (as described
above)?
7) What makes this relationship worth the forgiveness?
8) Do you need to forgive so as to move on in your life without the bitterness? However, this
doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship.
This article only touches on the surface of all the
emotions involved with betrayal, grief, and loss.
Hopefully, however, it will give you some ideas about
putting it into perspective and working
through the stages of grief in order to determine what
you want to do regarding the betrayal.
What is Betrayal?--page 1
What is the Process of Grief?--page
2
What Should You Expect With Grief When Betrayed?--page 3
When Should You Forgive a Betrayal?--page
4
Copyright © 2004 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com. Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
"Imagine the hopelessness, the
hurt, and the pain beginning
to turn to anger and
resentment. Imagine what
this does to love."
JEALOUSY: WHEN THE
DAMAGE IS DONE
(page 1)
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
An internet reader, "Mike," wrote about a jealousy situation that he has begun to recognize but that has already caused extensive
damage to his relationship: "Now, my spouse is hiding everything and refuses to discuss the topic. My gut feeling is that my spouse
is out to get revenge, lying and is maybe now really cheating." He indicates that his wife has informed him she has the right to
hide the cell phone bills, change e-mail passwords, and erase internet history because of his past behavior. He states,"I tried to
explain what is causing my jealousy, yet I feel I'm not being heard or understood. Now, I feel like the one being "abused" because
my spouse acts hostile to me and defensive whenever this subject...is brought up."
Frequently, I see this scenario all too often in my practice. By the time the jealous spouse recognizes his/her problem considerable
damage to the relationship has already occurred. Attempts to change mean not only resolving the jealousy problems but also healing
the relationship.
To understand the damage to the relationship, try taking the other person's perspective: Imagine day after day being questioned about
your whereabouts, your behavior, and accused of being unfaithful or being attracted to someone else. Imagine someone checking your
cell phone records, checking your e-mail, and/or calling you frequently under the pretense of something else but really just wanting
to know what you're doing. Imagine your helplessness because no matter how much you reassure your spouse, no matter how many
questions you answer, no matter how open you are with your daily itinerary or your e-mail, you can never "prove" your love or
faithfulness. Imagine waiting for the next accusation, the next argument, knowing that it will occur but not knowing when. For
some, imagine being fearful of physical violence because you can't reassure your spouse enough. Imagine the hopelessness, the hurt,
and the pain beginning to turn to anger and resentment. Imagine what this does to love.
Mike asked a number of thoughtful questions that we will address in this article:
PAGE 2
Jealousy:
When the Damage is Done--page 1
Did My Jealousy
Become a Reality or is it Still My Insecurities?--page 2
How Will I Know the
Difference Between Jealousy and Infidelity at This
Point?--page 3
What Do I Do
Now?--page 4
Copyright © 2010 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com
Permission to reprint this article is granted if it includes this entire
copyright and link.
