"To be betrayed, the person must
first experience trust in the betrayer...
...when they do hurt us, we then have the awareness
that this other person has the capacity to hurt us."
WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED (page 1)
By Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
WHAT IS BETRAYAL?
Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person
can experience. To be betrayed,
the person must first experience trust in the betrayer.
It is fairly impossible for you to be
betrayed if you did not trust the individual in the
first place. Therefore,the definition of betrayal
involves the act of someone violating your trust in
them. The betrayal I am discussing in this
article refers to a variety of forms of betrayal. For
instance, a child isbetrayed when he or she
is abused by the parents who are supposed to love,
support, and protect the child. A spouse is
betrayed when their partner has an affair. Betrayal is
when someone you trust lies to you,
cheats on you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their
own self-interest first.
Betrayal as Loss. Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person
can experience. Notice that I am using
the term "loss" to describe the consequences of
betrayal. In our society, we have trouble
understanding the concepts of loss and grief. We
understand that when someone dies we
experience loss and grief, but frequently we don't
recognize the other forms of loss that we may
experience in life. Loss can be losing a person through
death. However, it can also be losing
a part of that person such as through illness. When a
spouse develops Alzheimer's, for instance,
the healthy spouse may experience loss of companionship
or loss of emotional support.
Loss can also involve things that are less tangible such
as trust. When an individual is betrayed by
someone, they lose trust in that person. In trusting
another person, we believe that they won't
hurt us; when they do hurt us, we then have the
awareness that this other person has the
capacity to hurt us. Therefore, we have lost something
very important to the relationship.
Purposeful Aspect of Betrayal. The reason that betrayal is the most devastating kind
loss is because most often it is a loss that didn't
have to occur. It only occurs because of someone's
deliberately hurtful behavior, or their
carelessness, or their own personal weakness. Unlike a
loss such as death or illness, there is
usually some sort of choice involved. The person who was
betrayed believes that the choice
was wrong and preventable.
Loss of the Illusion. Even more confusing, however, is that sometimes loss can
be the loss of an illusion. Frequently,
we develop in our minds the way we think things "should"
be. However, reality doesn't always correspond with the
demands that we put on life, ourselves,
and others. Therefore, sometimes we are hurt when we
have to face this reality. For instance,
imagine children who grow up in the fortunate experience
of having parents who always put the
needs of their children first. But what they don't know
is that their parents are unhappy together.
Those children become young adults and are confronted
with their parents telling them that they
are getting a divorce. Frequently, those children feel
betrayed by the illusion of the happy family
they always thought they had. Suddenly they are
confronted with a hurtful reality.
Another example is that a man marries a woman and thinks
of her as a virtuous, moral person. Later he
finds out that she had numerous sexual encounters prior
to their relationship. He has lost his
concept of how he thought of his wife. He feels betrayed
even though she didn't do anything to
break her committed to him; his sense of betrayal is the
loss of the illusion of how he thought of
his wife.
However, even if the betrayal is the loss of the
illusion, the grief is very real and needs
to be dealt with. Sometimes this is hard to do because
the person is told and believes that they
shouldn't feel so strongly about something that was not
an actual betrayal of them. So with this
type of loss a person is often tempted to move on too
quickly without resolving it.
PAGE 2
What is Betrayal?--page 1
What is the Process of Grief?--page
2
What Should You Expect With
Grief When Betrayed?--page 3
When Should You Forgive a Betrayal?--page
4
Copyright © 2004 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com. Permission to reprint this
article is granted if it includes this entire copyright
and link.
"Imagine the hopelessness, the
hurt, and the pain beginning
to turn to anger and
resentment. Imagine what
this does to love."
JEALOUSY: WHEN THE
DAMAGE IS DONE
(page 1)
by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D.
An internet reader, "Mike," wrote about a jealousy situation that he has begun to recognize but that has already caused extensive
damage to his relationship: "Now, my spouse is hiding everything and refuses to discuss the topic. My gut feeling is that my spouse
is out to get revenge, lying and is maybe now really cheating." He indicates that his wife has informed him she has the right to
hide the cell phone bills, change e-mail passwords, and erase internet history because of his past behavior. He states,"I tried to
explain what is causing my jealousy, yet I feel I'm not being heard or understood. Now, I feel like the one being "abused" because
my spouse acts hostile to me and defensive whenever this subject...is brought up."
Frequently, I see this scenario all too often in my practice. By the time the jealous spouse recognizes his/her problem considerable
damage to the relationship has already occurred. Attempts to change mean not only resolving the jealousy problems but also healing
the relationship.
To understand the damage to the relationship, try taking the other person's perspective: Imagine day after day being questioned about
your whereabouts, your behavior, and accused of being unfaithful or being attracted to someone else. Imagine someone checking your
cell phone records, checking your e-mail, and/or calling you frequently under the pretense of something else but really just wanting
to know what you're doing. Imagine your helplessness because no matter how much you reassure your spouse, no matter how many
questions you answer, no matter how open you are with your daily itinerary or your e-mail, you can never "prove" your love or
faithfulness. Imagine waiting for the next accusation, the next argument, knowing that it will occur but not knowing when. For
some, imagine being fearful of physical violence because you can't reassure your spouse enough. Imagine the hopelessness, the hurt,
and the pain beginning to turn to anger and resentment. Imagine what this does to love.
Mike asked a number of thoughtful questions that we will address in this article:
PAGE 2
Jealousy:
When the Damage is Done--page 1
Did My Jealousy
Become a Reality or is it Still My Insecurities?--page 2
How Will I Know the
Difference Between Jealousy and Infidelity at This
Point?--page 3
What Do I Do
Now?--page 4
Copyright © 2010 by Monica A. Frank, Ph.D. and
www.excelatlife.com
Permission to reprint this article is granted if it includes this entire
copyright and link.
