Often, when I suggest to my clients to use the Cognitive Diary to help change irrational thinking styles, they protest "But I know my thinking is wrong and how I should think. That doesn't make a difference. How will writing it down help?" Many people, even medical professionals, believe that cognitive therapy is about telling someone to think accurately. If that were the case, then we should all be thinking rationally because people are always telling one another how they should think.

However, several aspects of using the Cognitive Diary help people to actually learn how to change their thinking. The first is developing a rationale that you can believe more than the irrational thinking. The second is repeatedly using this rationale until it becomes automatic thinking. And the third is using different sensory modalities to help reinforce the thinking.  READ MORE...

Many times when I first meet clients some comment, “I've tried that positive thinking and it doesn't work.” What they don't expect is that I tell them I am fully in agreement with them that positive thinking doesn't work. However, negative thinking doesn't work either. We need to develop realistic, believable thinking. Positive thinking is believing “Everything will be all right” whereas realistic thinking is “I might encounter some obstacles but I can figure it out.” As you can see, realistic thinking is more believable than positive thinking and that is what makes it effective.

However, all too often, people believe that their negative thinking is realistic. Therefore, they need to be able to evaluate it and determine how to look at the problem more realistically. The two main problematic areas of negative thinking are negative evaluation whether of yourself, others, or the situation and negative labeling of yourself or others. Let's examine each of these types of thinking.  READ MORE...

Some people may be curious as to why this website is dedicated to the "pursuit of excellence" when I am constantly warning about the dangers of perfectionism.  To address this question we must differentiate between the pursuit of excellence and the need to be perfect.  These concepts are not only different but can be considered antagonistic to one another. In fact these concepts are so opposed to one another that  excellence can best be attained by giving up the demands of perfection. READ MORE...

For many years when my husband and I were first together I would ask him "When are things going to get better?"  We were dealing with the usual stressors that couples face: not enough time, not enough money, and the inevitable random events such as family conflict, deaths of loved ones, illnesses and injuries.  In addition, for most of our early years together I was in school and struggling with the balancing of demands of advanced education, part-time work, and a family.  But I had the belief that we working towards this perfect life that one day would emerge shining a rainbow of happiness forever over us. My husband, inclined more toward the practical, just answered my question of "When are things going to get better?," with "Another six months."  That answer typically pacified me for awhile because I thought I could handle any amount of stress for six months.  However, a point would occur when I once again I asked my husband "When are things going to get better?"  Once again, he would answer "Another six months."  This scenario occurred fairly routinely for many years.

However, fortunately during this time I had experiences that began to teach me about my expectations of life.  In particular, when I was completing my internship at the Veterans Administration Medical Center I had the opportunity to work on the spinal cord injury unit.  That experience forever changed my thinking.  In particular, I was struck by the differences in attitude among the patients.  READ MORE...

Not a day goes by when I don't throw down the morning newspaper complaining about the use of statistics in an article.  In our world the media liberally sprinkles statistics throughout articles and television programs to support a point of view.  The problem, however, is that statistics are frequently misleading if not outright inaccurate.  Without a clear understanding of the nature of statistics and the definitions of statistical terms, the public believe the statistic-supported statements as if they are fact.  In addition, without understanding the agenda of the journalist or analyst using the statistics, the public accepts these "facts" uncritically.  READ MORE...

RECOMMENDED BOOKS...

I'm sure you've dealt with individuals who have caused you to be so frustrated that afterwards you scratch your head asking "Am I crazy?" Most likely you just had an encounter with a passive-aggressive person. Such encounters may include sarcasm, shifting blame, saying one thing while meaning another to name a few. For instance, I used to know a co-worker who was very skilled at giving back-handed compliments such as "You look great! You must be doing something different" as well as sarcasm disguised as a compliment "Oh, I hear you've managed to pull off another miracle." The problem with these kinds of comments is that if you try to confront them about the insult, you will be accused of not understanding, "I didn't mean it that way" or of misinterpreting, "You must have a problem to think that. I was just trying to compliment you. Sorry I didn't word it right to suit you." As a result, you end up looking like the bad guy, feeling frustrated, and asking yourself, "Am I crazy?" And the other person walks away blameless.  READ MORE...

A serious problem exists with the public's understanding of depression. The problem occurs because of the clinical term "Major Depression" and the general use of the word "depression." One of the definitions in the Merriam-Webster dictionary indicates that depression is "a state of feeling sad." Therefore, the general public typically defines "depression" interchangeably with "sadness" as in "I'm so depressed today." The tendency, then, is to assume that clinical depression is just extreme sadness or the inability to handle normal stress and sadness of life.

This assumption is not only wrong but it is a disservice to all individuals who experience one of the clinical forms of depression: Major Depressive Disorder, Dysthymic Disorder, Depression NOS (Not Otherwise Specified), or Adjustment Disorder with Depression.  READ MORE...

"Intrinsic motivation...is an internal form of motivation. You strive towards a goal for personal satisfaction or accomplishment."

"I have so many great ideas, if only I could get motivated."

"I do well with deadlines, but I can't seem to motivate myself."

"I can't seem to lose weight unless I have someone constantly checking on me and I can't afford a personal trainer."

"I would perform better if I could make myself practice more."

Do any of these sound familiar? What the above statements have in common is the individual's need for extrinsic motivation for follow-through, the inability to achieve a desired goal unless someone else provides the impetus to pursue the goal. Without the development of intrinsic motivation, individuals have a great deal of difficulty achieving success in almost any area. If you examine successful people, one of the main differences is their ability to motivate themselves. They are not necessarily more intelligent, or have better ideas, or have better luck; they are just able to pursue a goal to its conclusion. READ MORE...

"We tend to set goals that are unreasonable, perfectionistic, and unachievable."

Often people state "I'm just lazy" or "I'm unmotivated" when they are unsuccessful. Yet, most of the time, the problem isn't laziness, but lack of understanding about how to achieve goals. For instance, I believe that much of the problem the American people have with weight control is related to inability to set goals. Oh, we can set goals alright! We can set them until the cows come home. But if we don't set goals properly we are unlikely to be successful. For instance, I hear people all the time "I'm going to lose 10 pounds in the next two weeks" or "I'm going to exercise an hour a day" or "I'm going to limit myself to 1200 calories a day" or some combination of these statements in attempts to manage weight. However, even though they might achieve these goals over the short-term, any long-term change is unlikely. They will revert to old habits with resignation sighing, "I'm unmotivated. I'll never be able to lose weight."

The same problem can occur in the work setting: "If only I could get organized, I would be more successful at work." Or in sports: "I just don't stick with things. I give up too easily." Again, the problem is likely to be problems with setting goals. We tend to set goals that are unreasonable, perfectionistic, and unachievable.  READ MORE...

RECOMMENDED BOOKS...

"I don't have any willpower."

"I'm weak."

"I'm lazy."

"I can't do it."

Do these statements sound familiar? Too often, our self-statements about weight management interfere with our efforts and lead to failure. By changing how we think about developing a healthy weight we are able to change the behaviors that can lead to success.

Not long ago I conducted a little experiment with my cardio-kickboxing class. After an intense class I told them to get the heaviest weights they could curl 8-10 times. I spent a minute telling them to focus on feeling tired, that they had just worked out hard and they couldn't do anymore. Then, they were to curl the weights to exhaustion. Once they finished, I spent another minute telling them to focus on having energy, feeling good, feeling refreshed, and knowing they could do more. Once again, they lifted the weights to exhaustion. The results were that out of nine people, only one did fewer lifts the second time! And typically, when someone lifts weights to exhaustion they should not be able to lift as much the second time when it is only a minute later. Although this was not a controlled scientific experiment, it was a demonstration to my class to show how powerful our thinking can be. What this exercise showed was how positive thinking overcame the natural exhaustion of the body and created a self-fulfilling prophecy of lifting more weight because the participants believed that they could.  READ MORE...

"By keeping (these) issues in mind and perhaps obtaining your own therapy, if necessary,
you will be better able to assist your loved one in treatment and less likely to interfere."

Most of the time parents and spouses of individuals with depressive or anxiety disorders truly want to assist in the treatment. However, sometimes their efforts may interfere due to lack of understanding or due to fears and their own internal pressure to make the situation better. So often family members may have their own irrational thinking that might influence the person with the disorder. Therefore, if you have a loved one with anxiety or depression, you may need to examine your behavior to prevent interference with their improvement. The following is a list of ways that family members interfere with treatment and some ways to change these behaviors. READ MORE...

"We tend to set goals that are unreasonable, perfectionistic, and unachievable."

Often people state "I'm just lazy" or "I'm unmotivated" when they are unsuccessful. Yet, most of the time, the problem isn't laziness, but lack of understanding about how to achieve goals. For instance, I believe that much of the problem the American people have with weight control is related to inability to set goals. Oh, we can set goals alright! We can set them until the cows come home. But if we don't set goals properly we are unlikely to be successful. For instance, I hear people all the time "I'm going to lose 10 pounds in the next two weeks" or "I'm going to exercise an hour a day" or "I'm going to limit myself to 1200 calories a day" or some combination of these statements in attempts to manage weight. However, even though they might achieve these goals over the short-term, any long-term change is unlikely. They will revert to old habits with resignation sighing, "I'm unmotivated. I'll never be able to lose weight."

The same problem can occur in the work setting: "If only I could get organized, I would be more successful at work." Or in sports: "I just don't stick with things. I give up too easily." Again, the problem is likely to be problems with setting goals. We tend to set goals that are unreasonable, perfectionistic, and unachievable.  READ MORE...

"Our thinking is very changeable. If you worked on
changing your thinking everyday by reading, listening to
the audio exercises, and completing a cognitive diary
you will find your thinking changing even within a few
weeks."

As you may realize as you read the articles on this site, the underlying core issue for many problems resides with irrational thinking styles. That, of course, is the basic premise of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). We develop styles of thinking based upon our learning experiences, our parents' thinking, and societal/community beliefs and expectations.

Learning Experiences. When we are growing up, we have many experiences and the outcome of these experiences contribute to beliefs or ways of thinking that we develop. For instance, as a child I was very shy and fearful of speaking in public due to fear of making a mistake and being ridiculed. In the 7th grade I had a teacher who encouraged me to attend speech competitions. I was so excited that she thought I could be good at this that I was willing to face my fear and engage in speech competitions which I continued even throughout high school. As a result, I developed the belief "Even though talking in front of people causes anxiety I am capable of doing it." Now, if I had not had that experience and my main experience was being embarrassed in front of my class because I couldn't say the word "peculiar" when I was reading out loud (it sounds different than it looks and I couldn't get my brain to switch from the visual to the auditory because I was so anxious), I may have developed the belief "Talking in front of people leads to embarrassment which I must avoid." The problem that causes this belief to be irrational is that it is black and white--it leaves no room for alternatives. I would be assuming that talking in front of people always leads to embarrassment. Instead, by doing speech competitions I learned that talking in front of people could be enjoyable and could lead to awards.

Trauma is an important subset of learning experiences that severely affects an individual's belief system. For example, an individual who survived a fire has a fear of low probability catastrophes. Due to the fact that a low probability catastrophe occurred to him or her, it is more difficult to challenge the thinking with a statement such as "It is unlikely to occur." Or a person who was raped and then told it was her fault because she left her door unlocked may tend to unreasonably blame herself for things that happen.  READ MORE...

"When you are in a state of mindfulness you are actually more aware and able to engage in tasks..."

When I ask clients what they do for daily relaxation I usually get responses such as:

"I relax by watching TV every night."

"I have a glass of wine."

"I read a book."

"I go out with friends."

"I go to the gym and work out."

"I find gardening relaxing."

"I like to fish."

Although each of these activities may be perceived as relaxing and may even have an element of mindfulness, they don't provide the brain and body with the deep meditative relaxation we require. In fact, most of these activities are stimulating to the brain or the body rather than quieting.  READ MORE...

An internet reader, "Mike," wrote about a jealousy situation that he has begun to recognize but that has already caused extensive damage to his relationship: "Now, my spouse is hiding everything and refuses to discuss the topic. My gut feeling is that my spouse is out to get revenge, lying and is maybe now really cheating." He indicates that his wife has informed him she has the right to hide the cell phone bills, change e-mail passwords, and erase internet history because of his past behavior. He states,"I tried to explain what is causing my jealousy, yet I feel I'm not being heard or understood. Now, I feel like the one being "abused" because my spouse acts hostile to me and defensive whenever this subject...is brought up." READ MORE...

"Our thinking is very changeable. If you worked on
changing your thinking everyday by reading, listening to
the audio exercises, and completing a cognitive diary
you will find your thinking changing even within a few
weeks."

Margie complained about being overworked both at home and at the office: “Everyone relies on me and can't seem to make decisions on their own.” However, as we explored this issue it became apparent that Margie didn't like to delegate and tended to take responsibility for everything, “The best way to make sure something is right is to do it yourself.” When we discussed the difficulty of delegating she indicated, “I would delegate if they would take initiative and do things correctly without me having to re-do their work.” As a result of needing to be in control, Margie was stressed and irritable. In addition, her family and employees didn't feel they could take the initiative without causing Margie displeasure. Alan's believed that if he didn't do well on a class assignment “The teacher was grading unfairly” or “Everything goes wrong for me.” His attitude with school was that no matter what he did, he didn't have control over the outcome. As a result, he tended to blame others or circumstances for his mistakes and failures. READ MORE...

RECOMMENDED BOOKS...